Fighting for my Life

You are not alone

Seven years ago, I had a breakdown, I felt so alone, helpless, and worthless. I could not feel any relief from my anxiety and fear. I was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. I think the hardest thing about living with agoraphobia is the silence, despair, and not being able to see a future without fear. Every single minute was a struggle for me, leaving the house was my worst nightmare. I couldn't understand how I could go from being an independent, strong willed, and successful woman, to someone I didn't recognize anymore. I felt lost, and even when surrounded by family and friends, I felt so alone.  I was drowning in my thoughts and fears. I was housebound for two years. Everyone around me was living life, reaching new goals, memories, and a future. My life was at a standstill. 

                                 

                                         Agoraphobia kept me prisoner for two years.

All I could do was watch the world go by without me in it. I had no purpose, my life felt empty, and I was out of control. This was, by far, the most trying time in my life. Although my husband Joe, my kids, and my family were understanding, and always there for me, I just felt like I was a burden to everyone.  I was giving up hope of ever living again.  Life was very dark, and I just couldn't get past the fact that I was wasting my life away. I just thought that my case was hopeless, and I would never be able to live my life, I just couldn't see past the darkness. Did I ever consider suicide, you bet ! Ending it all would have been easy, it was my faith that kept me alive. So don't ever give up, there is so much to live for !

               There were many dark days, days where I couldn't even get out of bed.

I had this wonderful social worker who came to my home every Wednesday, for an entire year. He taught me to believe in myself, and that there was hope. How I managed to get through the door is beyond me, but I did ! and this is where my recovery began.

Exposure therapy, even the word "exposure" would drive me over the edge, but I knew that in order to reclaim some sort of a "normal existence" I had to face my fear head on.  I would walk outside for 2 minutes, panic, and rush home, then 5, and eventually, around the block. I always carried my cell phone, and wore my ipod with me, the phone in case I couldn't get any further and Joe could pick me up, and the ipod to distract me. Eventually, he made me go to the coffee shop, I would reach the door, but couldn't make it inside. Then finally, I would make it inside, but couldn't order anything. Eventually, I was able to order a coffee, but to go. This process took over a year. I'm just giving you the short version. Later, on another blog, I will get into exposure therapy, and cognitive behavior therapy in more detail.

Through this journey, I had great faith in Jesus Christ. I would read the scriptures daily, and they gave me hope. Even when I couldn't get out of bed, I was strong in my faith, I never gave up because I knew that I was a child of God, and as a loving father, I knew without a doubt, that He would never give up on me. I remember the first time I drove along with my husband Joe, I was beyond petrified, holding onto the door for dear life, hyperventilating, shaking, and crying so hard. My anxiety level was through the roof, and my panic attacks were lasting longer and longer, I didn't know how much more I could take, I wanted to turn back so bad, and I knew that all I had to say was go back, I can't do this, or I've had enough, but I kept saying a little further, just until we make it to that tree, or the next light. The whole time I felt like there were loving, protective arms around me, and I could hear the Lord saying "I am with you always".  I was still afraid, like a child learning to ride a bike, you know your father will be behind you, routing you on, and catching you when you fall, but still, I was afraid, afraid to let go, and let God. But, when I did, I was overcome with warmth and peace, something I hadn't felt in years. Which is why I finally had "I am with you always" tattooed onto my inner arm. It is a constant reminder that I will never walk this road alone. I know that every second, of every day, that Christ is with me. Although I am still in recovery, I don't feel like I'm all alone, I know my father has my back.

Through all the fear, anxiety, and turmoil, I never lost hope. I knew I had to work hard, harder than I've ever had to work in my life.  I was literally fighting for my life.

Agoraphobia held me hostage for two long years, when I was finally able to go out, it was only with my safe person, my husband Joe, it took me another year before I had the courage to drive with my boys in the car. I was always afraid that I wouldn't be able to make the journey without having to return home, and I didn't want to expose them to that again, or to disappoint them. Even today, as I'm writing this, I still struggle to go out on my own. It will take me days to drive out of town, and even then, it's only within a 5 km radius, making a dentist appointment, forget it. They have to call me for a cleaning, they are aware of my condition, so if they have a cancellation, they will call me, if I feel up to it, I go, if not, they will try again another day. Getting my hair done is another challenge, just knowing that it takes a couple of hours to get my hair coloured and styled takes me over the edge. Mostly, if I'm having a good day, I will call my stylist the day of and see if she has any openings. That is my life, and I know that one day, that will get better too. 

I have a wonderful team of doctors, psychotherapists, social workers, pastors, friends, family, and husband. They are all part of my journey, and each one of them holds a special place in my heart. 

 Me and Joe have a relationship that is stronger than ever before, it's been a long and hard road, but through it all, Joe never gave up on me. 

My relationship with Christ is stronger than ever before, and I encourage you to find peace by reading his word. You will establish a relationship with him, and know, without doubt, that God has you in the palm of his right hand, and will never let you go. 

Remember, "Don't be afraid, because I'm with you; don't be anxious, because I am your God. I keep on strengthening you; I'm truly helping you. I'm surely upholding you with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

 

I know you can do this, it may seem impossible to imagine a life free from fear, but there is hope, never let go of that !