Be Strong and Courageous!

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

In November, my diagnosis changed from depression to bipolar 2, with generalized anxiety, panic attacks with agoraphobia, at first I was confused and scared, but I've learned to accept the diagnosis and am trying to regulate my medication. Right now, life is a roller coaster, my moods swing up and down so quickly that I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, took the dogs out for a walk, grocery shopped, joined some support groups on facebook, and did a bit of house cleaning. However, through the day, I've gone from elated, to depressed, to helplessness, and then to happy again. I know I'm not alone, I have so many friends and family who love and support me through my journey, and I'm particularly grateful that my Lord Jesus Christ who is fighting this battle for me. Even in my darkest hour, I know that He is with me, so I never have to be afraid. The problem is that I am afraid, even knowing that God has my back. Does that make me weak? Perhaps. I think what I need to do is give this to Him completely and not try to work on this by myself.

I've been on new medication since November, and have slowly reached the recommended dosage, however, the doctor took me off my medication for depression, and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't know if I'm coming or going most of the day. I'm on 4 different medications, and anxiously waiting for Thursday to see my General Practitioner. I went to the Mental Health prompt care clinic, saw a psychiatrist  who diagnosed me with bipolar, saw him 3 times, then sent to the hospital to see a social worker. We spent an hour discussing my illness, and hoping to get a full time psychiatrist but was told that my family doctor would take over my care. Really? I just got diagnosed, you prescribe some pills, and that's it? Wow!!! I suppose I need to allow God to work some miracles in my life, and direct my path.

I hate roller coasters, seriously, they terrify me. My idea of a good time means staying grounded. What does grounded mean when you're bipolar? I'm not sure, no one has really described what being grounded means. Will I always go up and down, with that sinking feeling in your gut?  As you rise to the top, ready to take that dive, does everyone's heart sink to there gut? I'm confused!

I met with the social worker for one hour, asked a bunch of questions, and given a list of books to read about bipolar. I've purchased the books, and have been reading them whenever I have the chance. 

The one I'm currently reading is Bipolar Disorder, A guide for the newly diagnosed. By Janelle M. Caponigro, MA, Erica H.Lee, MA, Sheri L.Johnson, PhD, Ann M.Kring, PhD

This is what I know, Bipolar disorder is an illness related to the chemistry of the brain. The neurotransmitters, which are chemicals that carry information throughout the brain aren't working properly. Two of the neurotransmitters called dopamine and serotonin, are believed to be the cause of mood changes.

                                                                                    

                                                                                 

         Dopamine is related to the reward system and plays a role in wanting something, like achieving a goal. Serotonin is related to mood regulation and helps you from having too many highs and lows.

 Medications help to increase the function of the neurotransmitters, in which case, helps to regulate your moods.

My problem at the moment is that I'm taking several different medications (all prescribed by my doctor), and my moods are all over the place. I'm more alert than before, I found that being on an anti-depressant made me feel like my brain was always in a fog, but that's just me. But, and this is the big question, I'm on different medications for bipolar, I'm thinking clearly, but my moods are literally on a roller coaster. I'm high and I'm low, throughout the day. 

I don't have a psychiatrist, I'm on a waiting list for a support group, seeing another social worker in March, and only have my family doctor and psychotherapist to rely on. Is that enough? Should I be worried? Should I just trust the system, with it's cut backs, and lack of doctors, and just hope for the best? Put my life in there hands, or should I advocate for myself, and seek the help that I need?

I've decided to take control of my life, you have to seek help, find answers, and feel comfortable with your care. No one should ever feel helpless, there are resources to get you through this, but you have to reach out and ask for help. That is exactly what I did today. I reached out to my support system, (it's important to communicate your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust), I called my psychotherapist,seeing him tomorrow for some answers and advise, and meeting with my family doctor to express my concerns. My team of care specialists are amazing, my psychotherapist always makes room for me, even at the last minute, and my family doctor has gotten me through the darkest days, but can she handle this new diagnosis? 

  I will trust in the Lord and ask Him to guide me through the darkness, to show me the light, and bring forth healing, as only He can do. I will continue to meditate on His word, "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:6

If I believe this verse to be true, then I will put my life in His hands, and know that I am strong and courageous!