Trapped within myself

Seven years ago, I made my first visit to my psychiatrist. I walked out with a diagnosis of Depression, anxiety, panic disorder with agoraphobia. Right away I knew the doctor got it wrong, Agoraphobia? are you kidding me? I wasn't stuck in the house, I was depressed, I suffered from anxiety, and yes, I had severe panic attacks, but agoraphobia? No, not me! 

It was a Sunday afternoon, and like most weekends, the kids wanted to go to the flea market to find a video game. It's not that far from our home, maybe fifteen minutes, but I wasn't feeling that great, my anxiety was through the roof, and I had continuous panic attacks, but I persevered, and thought, this will soon pass, and we'll just get on with it. As Joe parked the car, the kids got out and ran over to the building that sold the games, they were so excited because they were looking for a particular game and had waited all week to get it.  They both had a paper route and had just finished collecting, so they had saved their money to buy this particular game. Joe asked if I was coming, but I said that I needed to take a moment to get myself together. My chest was tight, my heart was pounding, I couldn't breath, it felt like I couldn't take a cleansing breath, almost like I was being smothered, my hands were trembling,I felt dizzy, and disoriented. It felt like everything was distorted, like I was looking through a glass, the palms of my hand were sweaty, and I started to really panic. I insisted that Joe get the kids so I could go home, I was scared, overwhelmed by anxiety and fear, I didn't know why this was happening, all I knew was I had to get out of there, I needed to escape.

Joe dropped the kids off at home and took me to the hospital, I was scared, my Dad had his first heart attack at 39, so I'm thinking this is it, I'm having a heart attack. They took me right away, hooked me up to an EKG, and monitored my condition. Joe called my Mom, who quickly came to comfort me. When the doctor came to see me, he said everything was normal, that I had experienced a panic attack. 

I've struggled with panic attacks throughout my adult life, but nothing prepared me for what was to come.

 I continued to have panic attacks every time I went out, even when I went to the grocery store that is literally 5 minutes from my home. One evening, I went to the grocery store, my buggy was full, and I proceeded to the checkout counter. The cashier is putting my groceries through when all of a sudden, it hits me again, I panicked and just left everything. I can't imagine what the cashier must of thought, but I had to get out of there. I came home, empty handed, frustrated, humiliated, scared, and anxious. I literally thought I was loosing my mind. I made one last visit to my psychiatrist, but after that, I became housebound. 

Many people who suffer from Panic disorder also suffer from Agoraphobia. Panic disorder is characterized by an overwhelming sense of anxiety and fear, and because you don't know the reason, you start to avoid situations that cause them. In my case, I became so afraid that I never left my home for 2 years. 

ThinkStock images

   Some people become so afraid that they never leave their own homes or they require the reassurance of having a trusted person with them whenever they venture out.

I can't believe I did that !

This Sunday will be the premier of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood season 2, on OWN, Oprah's Network at 8 p.m., my family was featured on this show, and through much hesitation, refusals to be on the show, discussions with production, and a final yes, I can honestly say "I can't believe I did that!" 

I took a risk because I felt it was important to talk about depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I wanted people with my disability to relate, to give them hope, to say, you are capable too, don't give up.  I've been there, I am where you are, still. But there is a tomorrow, there are people who care, and there is help, you just need to ask. 

  My husband Joe was very hesitant when it came to participating in the show because he didn't want me to do something that I couldn't handle. He felt that they would try to exploit my illness and that somewhere along the line, I would fall apart.

    As a family, we have been through a lot,  our lives literally stood still when I had my breakdown. I remember sitting in the hospital, unable to control my tears, you know when a child cries and they gasp for breath, that was me. The nurse actually have me a Popsicle, apparently you can't  cry and suck on a Popsicle at the same time. When the doctor saw me, I couldn't even talk, all I could do is nod my head yes and no. He suggested that I go to another hospital where a crisis team would be waiting for me. Joe immediately said no, that we would handle this at home. Looking back, I realize that I should have gone, but I trusted that Joe and knew he would take care of me. The doctor gave me some prescriptions, and off I went.  I lost all my self-esteem, self-worth, and hated everything about myself. I didn't believe I was lovable, in fact, I felt worthless. I couldn't work, didn't have an income, and felt like a burden to everyone. For the next two weeks, a nurse from the crisis team called me everyday. First to see if I was suicidal,  to find out how I was feeling, and what was going through my mind. She would tell me that I have a lot to live for,  I'm valued, I'm worth it, and that I'm loved. Every time we talked, I cried, I didn't believe a word she was saying, it was all lies, and I argued with her. She had no idea what she was talking about, she didn't know me, she didn't know how worthless I was. It took me some time to believe in myself again,   years of therapy, seeing psychiatrists  psychologists, social workers, group therapy,and my family doctor.   I'm finally in a place where I know who I am, and guess what, I am worth it. 

Joe is very protective of me, because no one will ever know what I've personally gone through, but I will try to talk about it here for the first time. I tried my best to hide my condition from my children, but after a while, I just couldn't do it. I remember sitting at the kitchen table, we were all eating dinner, and the tears just wouldn't stop. I was like that for weeks until I saw my psychiatrist. The hospital had me on a cocktail of drugs, but I just couldn't see beyond my despair. I wanted to die, I just couldn't do it anymore, but Joe kept reminding me of our love, and that the kids needed me, to hold on, and that everything would be okay.  I wasn't okay, far from it.  I have seen the darkest days, the hole that I couldn't climb out of, and did my best to hide my sorrow, and my fear of losing all control.

Finally!!!! I get to see the Psychiatrist for the first time. As I sat in the waiting room with Joe, my face is drenched with tears, I remember saying to him that I don't belong here, I'm not like these people, can you imagine? As I walked in to see the doctor, with Joe by my side, he asked Joe to leave, I kinda of thought that was strange but hey, he's the doctor. Must be some patient and doctor confidentiality thing. I have my usual large regular coffee in hand, the first thing he says to me is "get rid of that", you are not to have any caffeine" What the heck, first you ask my husband to leave, then you take away my coffee? I'm thinking that this isn't going to go very well.  When he finally said that, if I have to have coffee, it must be de-caff, okay, I can deal with that. To this day, I don't drink anything with caffeine.

                                           jupiter Photo Gallery


This is an article from Livestrong.com

Anxiety is feelings of worry and nervousness, and in intense forms, anxiety can manifest in a group of disorders called anxiety disorders. Caffeine is a stimulant that increases heart rate and can lead to nervousness and agitation, increasing anxiety levels. For people who already suffer from anxiety, caffeine can spur panic attacks, and for those who don't normally feel anxious, caffeine can cause anxiety.

Features

Caffeine is found in many coffees, teas, energy drinks and chocolates, as well as in some medicines. Caffeine is considered a stimulant because it stimulates the body's central nervous system and temporarily increases the metabolism. Caffeine works by suppressing a chemical in the brain called adenosine. Adenosine slows down nerve cells and causes drowsiness. When caffeine is released in the bloodstream, the body does not distinguish between caffeine and adenosine, and therefore, treats caffeine as adenosine, causing a spike in energy and nerve cell interactions.

Caffeine causes an increase in heart rate and can make some people feel like their heart is pounding, even causing panic attacks. A panic attack is an intense feeling of terror and anxiety that feels like you are losing control and having a heart attack. According to Roland Griffiths, PhD, a professor in the departments of psychiatry and neuroscience at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, caffeine can trigger and worsen anxiety and panic disorders. Caffeine can also cause jitters, headaches, nervousness and irregular heartbeat.

Expert Insight

The National Institute of Mental Health recommends that people who suffer from anxiety disorders should avoid caffeine, as it can worsen anxiety. Psychologist Norman B. Schmidt, PhD, studies the effect of caffeine on his patients with anxiety disorders. "If you tend to be a high-strung, anxious person, using a lot of caffeine can be risky," Schmidt says. Whereas some people may feel more focused and energetic with caffeine, those who are prone to anxiety often feel nervous and a sense of impending doom.

 Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/83671-caffeine-anxiety/#ixzz2GxVaheye