Since 2006, I have suffered with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and as a result became agoraphobic. November, 2012 I was diagnosed with Bipolar.
I have an amazing team of doctors, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and social workers. Through the years, I've learned so much about myself, my illness, what I can and can not do, and through it all, I still managed to keep my faith in Jesus Christ. There was a time where I couldn't even leave my home, during this time, I had a wonderful social worker who came to my home every week.
This is where I was first introduced to Cognitive Therapy, where your negative thinking determines your mood. I am very hard on myself, in fact, I often don't feel good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough, or even smart enough. I feel weak, unworthy, self loathing, and unlovable. I want to set the record straight, I have the most amazing family, I can talk to them about anything, they never judge, and they tell me all the time how much I'm loved. Joe is my rock, and my biggest supporter and cheer leader. I don't lack love, but don't feel worthy of it. I didn't see my strengths, and still struggle today.
For example, when I was attending university, I wrote a paper and recieved a mark of 99%. I asked my professor why I lost the 1%, I have to do everything perfectly or I would feel it wasn't good enough. I was never good enough. This negative thinking followed me throughout my childhood and adult life.
Another example was during my position with the school board, I always felt like I was faking it, that people would see through me, that I wasn't smart enough for the position. To this day, I still have parents write me cards at Christmas, I haven't worked there since my breakdown in 2006.
Birthdays and Christmas are particularly hard for me, as I can never give just one gift to my loved ones, I go into thousands of dollars in debt, because I want people to see the gifts, but I don't want them to see me.
I spend a lot of money throughout the year too because that outfit will make me feel better, or that purse will make me happy. In the end, I give most of it away, because it's not things that are going to make me feel better, or make me feel happy, but how I feel about myself. Twice a month I had pick ups from different charitable organizations. There were bags and bags of clothing and household items. I would also give the "stuff" to family and friends instead of returning them for a credit. When I did attempt to return items, I would spend twice as much, it became a cycle, which explains why I have gotten into so much debt.
I started keeping thought records, at first I was very hesitant, because I thought I could work it all out in my head. What I have learned is that writing your thoughts down allows you too see in black and white, your negative thoughts. I started to develop a better way to handle my negative thoughts, and have learned to cope with my feelings.
My doctors would ask me how I would treat another person with these same thoughts, how I would view them, and what would I say to them. I always responded the same way, you are good enough, you matter, you're loved, and you're beautiful, but I could never say the same things about myself. I've learned over the months that I have a lot of positive strengths, and am capable of doing more than I ever thought possible.
Yesterday I asked Joe if I could go for botox treatments, he said I didn't need them. That I was beautiful, and that he loved me. Well, that just wasn't good enough for me, I asked my friends, my family, and even posted it on face book. If you have seen a couple episodes of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood season 2, you will see that I'm blond, now my hairs dark brown. I still don't think it's good enough, should I add some highlights, maybe cut my hair, what should I do?
When you continue with your negative thoughts, it becomes a pattern, and you become stuck in the same situation until you change your thought patterns.
Here is an example of a thought record.
1. The situation. Briefly describe the situation you would like to have handled better. This will help you remember it later if you want to review your notes.
I made a mistake at work. I felt anxious and was reminded of past failures.
2. Initial thought. What thought first popped into your mind? This was probably a subconscious or automatic thought that you have had before.
I feel like a failure. If people knew the real me, they wouldn't like me.
3. Negative thinking. Identify the negative thinking behind your initial thought. Choose one or more from the list of common types of negative thinking.
This is self-labeling and disqualifying the positives.
4. Source of negative belief. Can you trace your thinking back to a situation or person? Is there a deep belief or fear driving your thinking? Search your heart.
I can hear the voice of my parent saying that I’m a failure and that I’ll never amount to anything.
5. Challenge your thinking. Look at the evidence both for and against your thinking. Have you been in a similar situation before? What did you learn from it? What strengths do you bring to this situation? Make sure you see the whole picture.
I'm hard on myself. I don't always succeed, but I do sometimes. People have complimented me on my work. I feel overwhelmed when I try to be perfect.
6. Consider the consequences. What are the short-term and long-term consequences if you continue to think like this? Look at the physical, psychological, professional, and emotional consequences.
I'm damaging my self-esteem. If I continue to think like this, my negativity will affect my relationships and possibly my health. I'll become exhausted.
7. Alternative thinking. The previous steps of the thought record helped you understand your thinking and lower your defenses. Now that you've considered the facts, write down a healthier way of thinking.
I don't have to succeed at everything. I can learn from my mistakes. I’m not a failure. I want to get rid of this negative thinking. I'm being hard on myself.
8. Positive belief and affirmation. Write down a statement that reflects your healthier beliefs. Find something that you can repeat to yourself.
A mistake is not failure. I am successful in many ways.
The serenity affirmation - "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
9. Action plan. What action can you take to support your new thinking?
The next time I make a mistake, I won't dwell on the negatives. Instead I will focus on what I can learn from my mistake. I will remind myself of my past successes.
10. Improvement. Do you feel slightly better or more optimistic? This step reinforces the idea that if you change your thinking, you will change your mood. Gradually over time, your thinking and life will begin to improve.
If you write a thought record every day for a few weeks, you will begin to change your thinking. You'll spot your negative thinking quickly and let it go. You will come up with better alternatives. You will practice your healthier way of thinking and incorporate it into your life. (Reference: www.CognitiveTherapyGuide.org .)
The Step Thought Record and Change
The step thought record illustrated above is designed to produce fast and long-lasting change because it is based on the steps of self-change.- Identify what you need to change
- Let it go
- Learn healthier coping skills and thinking
- Incorporate these changes into your life
The Step Thought Record Compared to the Traditional Thought Record
The traditional thought record, introduced by Dr. Beck, uses a column format. You write your thoughts on specially lined paper within the columns provided, and there are usually five or six columns per thought record. But, you have to write your thoughts within the columns provided, which may not give you enough room to think.The step thought record uses a journal format, where each step starts a new line. This may seem like a small change, but it has a number of advantages. You are not limited to five or six steps, which gives you the opportunity to analyze your thinking deeper. It also gives you more room to write and it follows the steps of self-change.
www.CognitiveTherapyGuide.org .)
The basic idea of cognitive therapy is that your thinking determines your quality of life. If you change your thinking, you will improve your life. Your quality of life is not determined by external factors, but how you interpret external factors.
www.AnxietyDepressionHealth.org.
It's been a difficult journey, but through a lot of hard work, encouragement, and prayers,
I've managed to change my pattern of thinking.
I'm still very hard on myself, but it's a learning process.
Living one day at a time.
and
knowing that I am a child of God, and He loves me just the way I am.
