This has been one of the hardest weeks I've ever endured since my breakdown seven years ago. I was diagnosed with bipolar back in November, but have suffered most of my life with some kind of mental illness, including depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks and agoraphobia. 

Back to the point, my family doctor became a little concerned when I couldn't sleep, literally, couldn't sleep!!!! However, I was also in the process of filming for the Milliion Dollar Neighbourhood, a television reality series for the Oprah Winfrey Network, under a lot of stress, totally out of my element, and exhausted. My psychotherapist strongly recommended that I quit filming as he was quite concerned for my well being.  Quitting however, was not an option for me, If I had left the show, I would have felt like a failure, just something else I couldn't finish. I was determined to give it my all, regardless of the consequences. 

I have always been open about my illness, and felt that sharing my story would inspire viewers to understand what someone with a "mental illness" goes through everyday. 

I've always trusted that the Lord would use me to help others with depression, and their friends and family to understand the struggles we go through everyday, so this was my chance to finally give a voice to an illness that is so silent and misunderstood. . Through laughter and tears, I was ready to accomplish my dream. 

What I didn't know then, was that my struggles would get worse. 

My family doctor sent me to the prompt care clinic to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.  I didn't think anything about it really, I thought they would sort out my medication and get me back on track. Oh boy, was I wrong about that!  I first saw a social worker who asked me a bunch of questions, which, given what I had just gone through over the last four months, seem relevant at the time. What I didn't anticipate was a new diagnosis of bipolar 2. When I finally saw the psychiatrist back in November. I was too slowly discontinue my Fluvoxamine, and start with a new series of drugs called Lamotragine and Seroquel, along with my Clonazapam and Ativan. I wasn't really told how to stop the fluvoxamine, so I just stopped taking it. 

Discontinuation withdrawal Syndrome: I slowly stopped Fluvoxamine, but it didn't take long for the symptoms of withdrawal to invade my body. The flu-like symptoms, the aches, pains, electric shock sensations throughout my body, sleep disturbances,  sweats, shakes, agitation, irritable mood, vision problems, a sense of unbalance, and a total breakdown, brought me right back to the beginning.  I made another appointment to see the doctor, who advised me to increase the new medication and slowly tapper off the old ones. 

I was a mess! I kept thinking, what am I going to do, how am I going to get through this, am I strong enough the second time around? Who do I turn to? I"m loosing control! and I feel so alone!

My anxiety level is through the roof, I dread the mornings as my fear has taken a hold of me. What will the day bring? My emotions are cycling right now, so many thoughts, so much to deal with, I'm in despair. I find no relief, I just can't take it anymore! I mean, come on, I'm anxious, my head is spinning with so many thoughts, like they're bouncing off my brain, just one, let me just catch one, but to no avail., I'm up, I'm down, really down. I hide my tears, I stay still. No one knows, I can't share this, not again.

I call my therapist, he knows me, but he doesn't recognize me, "this is not you" he says.  I'm lost, I'm hurt, I'm scared. "Make an appointment to see your psychiatrist" he says, I can't, they've discharged me, they won't help me. After I saw the social worker, she said my family doctor would handle the rest. I told her that I wasn't stable, I told her that I was scared, she didn't help me, does anyone really care?  "I don't know what to do" he says, "stop the Lamotragine" is what he recommends. "But make sure you see your family doctor in the morning, you need to be stabilized, you can't go on like this!" 

The next day, I visit with my family doctor, she is concerned with my well being, her words of encouragement are helpful. "You will always have us, we're not going anywhere, we've been here before, we'll get you through this again." She draws up a plan for me to stop the Lamotragine safely. She puts me back on the Flovoxamine, agreeing that I'm in crisis. We discuss the best possible route for my therapy, and agree that I will see the same psychiatrist that I saw seven years ago, when I had my first breakdown. I'm back to where I started, but I'm trying to keep it all together, I can't loose control, I can't go back to where I was. She is encouraging, and does her best to console me, but I loosing it. I can feel it, I'm lost. I make a followup appointment, but as I'm about to leave, the secretary, who happens to be my Pastor's wife, hugs me and says," go to the church, the Pastor is there, go talk to him."  

I sit in the parking lot, trying to keep it all together, as soon as the Pastor see's me, I fall apart, and I break down. I knew I had come home, I knew I was safe, I knew that Jesus led me to this place. You see, for the last four months of filming, I left the church, believing that I could do this on my own, through this crisis, I thought I could control it, I was strong enough, I knew enough, experienced enough, what I didn't know was that I had to let go, and let God take over.

The pastor read me Psalm 84, 

As they pass through the Valley of Baca, which means, as they pass through the valley of tears.

Both Pastors came, counselled me, read me scripture, prayed with me, and I felt home, I felt God, I felt peace.

I didn't let God work through me, I thought I could do this all alone. If you're reading this, let go, and let God. He is our Father, we are His children. He is not going to let your life fall to shambles, in fact, He says "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

He will also...............

cause everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 28:8


My  journey is far from over, I have a long road ahead of me, there's going to be some bumps, and up hill climbs, but I know that I must be disciplined and listen to the word of God. To have enough faith to let go, and let God take control. I need to analyze my life,  learn to listen to His plan, not mine. To give my life over completely, and let Jesus be my guide. He will continue to use me for His good, in His time, for His glory.