This Sunday will be the premier of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood season 2, on OWN, Oprah's Network at 8 p.m., my family was featured on this show, and through much hesitation, refusals to be on the show, discussions with production, and a final yes, I can honestly say "I can't believe I did that!"
My husband Joe was very hesitant when it came to participating in the show because he didn't want me to do something that I couldn't handle. He felt that they would try to exploit my illness and that somewhere along the line, I would fall apart.
As a family, we have been through a lot, our lives literally stood still when I had my breakdown. I remember sitting in the hospital, unable to control my tears, you know when a child cries and they gasp for breath, that was me. The nurse actually have me a Popsicle, apparently you can't cry and suck on a Popsicle at the same time. When the doctor saw me, I couldn't even talk, all I could do is nod my head yes and no. He suggested that I go to another hospital where a crisis team would be waiting for me. Joe immediately said no, that we would handle this at home. Looking back, I realize that I should have gone, but I trusted that Joe and knew he would take care of me. The doctor gave me some prescriptions, and off I went. I lost all my self-esteem, self-worth, and hated everything about myself. I didn't believe I was lovable, in fact, I felt worthless. I couldn't work, didn't have an income, and felt like a burden to everyone. For the next two weeks, a nurse from the crisis team called me everyday. First to see if I was suicidal, to find out how I was feeling, and what was going through my mind. She would tell me that I have a lot to live for, I'm valued, I'm worth it, and that I'm loved. Every time we talked, I cried, I didn't believe a word she was saying, it was all lies, and I argued with her. She had no idea what she was talking about, she didn't know me, she didn't know how worthless I was. It took me some time to believe in myself again, years of therapy, seeing psychiatrists psychologists, social workers, group therapy,and my family doctor. I'm finally in a place where I know who I am, and guess what, I am worth it.
Joe is very protective of me, because no one will ever know what I've personally gone through, but I will try to talk about it here for the first time. I tried my best to hide my condition from my children, but after a while, I just couldn't do it. I remember sitting at the kitchen table, we were all eating dinner, and the tears just wouldn't stop. I was like that for weeks until I saw my psychiatrist. The hospital had me on a cocktail of drugs, but I just couldn't see beyond my despair. I wanted to die, I just couldn't do it anymore, but Joe kept reminding me of our love, and that the kids needed me, to hold on, and that everything would be okay. I wasn't okay, far from it. I have seen the darkest days, the hole that I couldn't climb out of, and did my best to hide my sorrow, and my fear of losing all control.
Finally!!!! I get to see the Psychiatrist for the first time. As I sat in the waiting room with Joe, my face is drenched with tears, I remember saying to him that I don't belong here, I'm not like these people, can you imagine? As I walked in to see the doctor, with Joe by my side, he asked Joe to leave, I kinda of thought that was strange but hey, he's the doctor. Must be some patient and doctor confidentiality thing. I have my usual large regular coffee in hand, the first thing he says to me is "get rid of that", you are not to have any caffeine" What the heck, first you ask my husband to leave, then you take away my coffee? I'm thinking that this isn't going to go very well. When he finally said that, if I have to have coffee, it must be de-caff, okay, I can deal with that. To this day, I don't drink anything with caffeine.
This is an article from Livestrong.com
Anxiety is feelings of worry and nervousness, and in intense forms, anxiety can manifest in a group of disorders called anxiety disorders. Caffeine is a stimulant that increases heart rate and can lead to nervousness and agitation, increasing anxiety levels. For people who already suffer from anxiety, caffeine can spur panic attacks, and for those who don't normally feel anxious, caffeine can cause anxiety.
Features
Caffeine is found in many coffees, teas, energy drinks and chocolates, as well as in some medicines. Caffeine is considered a stimulant because it stimulates the body's central nervous system and temporarily increases the metabolism. Caffeine works by suppressing a chemical in the brain called adenosine. Adenosine slows down nerve cells and causes drowsiness. When caffeine is released in the bloodstream, the body does not distinguish between caffeine and adenosine, and therefore, treats caffeine as adenosine, causing a spike in energy and nerve cell interactions.
Caffeine causes an increase in heart rate and can make some people feel like their heart is pounding, even causing panic attacks. A panic attack is an intense feeling of terror and anxiety that feels like you are losing control and having a heart attack. According to Roland Griffiths, PhD, a professor in the departments of psychiatry and neuroscience at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, caffeine can trigger and worsen anxiety and panic disorders. Caffeine can also cause jitters, headaches, nervousness and irregular heartbeat.
Expert Insight
The National Institute of Mental Health recommends that people who suffer from anxiety disorders should avoid caffeine, as it can worsen anxiety. Psychologist Norman B. Schmidt, PhD, studies the effect of caffeine on his patients with anxiety disorders. "If you tend to be a high-strung, anxious person, using a lot of caffeine can be risky," Schmidt says. Whereas some people may feel more focused and energetic with caffeine, those who are prone to anxiety often feel nervous and a sense of impending doom.
Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/83671-caffeine-anxiety/#ixzz2GxVaheye
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