It's not a pretty ride

This past November ,many changes appeared into my life regarding my illness. For seven years I've had the diagnosis of depression, generalized anxiety, panic attacks /agoraphobia. During filming of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, I had a difficult time, and would often visit my Doctor to increase my medication. I started the show at 100mg of my meds, and had it increased to 300mg, for one, and the other, instead of taking them twice a day, I was up to six a day. My other medications didn't change, but I could see I was spiraling out of control. I was having difficulties sleeping, and asked for sleeping pills, this is when she decided I needed to go see a psychiatrist. 

November, 2012, I went to the prompt care clinic to see a new Psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2.  I had an idea that my diagnosis was going to change, but bipolar? There had to be some mistake? I couldn't wrap my mind around it, who am I, I felt different, I lived for so many years with the same diagnosis, why did they change it now, and how is this going to affect my life. I was confused, asked a lot of questions, and still question the diagnosis, but, I have been keeping track of my moods, and let me tell you, they're not pretty.

Bipolar 2  is less sever than bipolar 1, but let me tell you, it's like a roller coaster ride. I don't know from one day to the next what I"m waking up too,  or for that matter, what my mood will be like hour to hour. I am irritable, depressed, sad, lonely, lethargic, anxious, problems concentrating, decrease in my appetite, and hopelessness.  And then I'm active, happy, with increased energy, (which gets me into trouble with spending spree's), my home gets a total clean, but then again, I can't sleep. My speech is fast, and my brain feels like my thoughts are bouncing off each other. 

I had to withdrawal from my anti-depressants, not an easy task. September I started slowly, from 300 mg, and by December, I was down to 100 mg., I thought well that was easy, so I started to decrease the dose very quickly after that, putting me into a total discontinuation withdrawal.  I had the chills, sweats, shakes, vision problems, tunnel vision, agitation, nausea, and my favourite, electric shocks going through my body. I went to my doctor's again, and she wrote out a plan for me, I went through withdrawal because I didn't decrease my medication properly. So my advice to you, go see you doctor before going off any medication, don't think you can do this alone, it's not a pretty ride. 

So here I am, anxiously waiting for my doctors appointment next week. I'm on my new medication, and up to the required dosage, but, my moods? Even I don't recognize myself!!! I say things to people that I would normally keep in my head, I snap easily, am irritable, moody, and tense. I worry constantly about things that don't require the effort, I don't want to eat, I don't enjoy anything that I used to enjoy.  I can't concentrate, and loose my patience very easily. Let's just say, I'm not enjoyable to be around right now. I'm depressed, and feel like I'm right where I started. I feel aggravated, because this is not where I should be, nor where I want to be. I recognize all the symptoms, and just want to crawl out of my skin.  I have detected very odd and erratic behaviors that don't compliment me at all. If I think back to my younger days, my PMS days, and I was moody then, believe me, this caused a lot of strife between Joe and I, but eventually got myself together, and was pleasant to be around. Now I feel like it's PMS all over again, times 10, and it's not a pretty ride.

I know I just have to hold on for another five days, I see my doctor on the seventh, I just have to hold on, and ride this roller coaster, hopefully, when I see her, I can finally get off this ride and never get back on.

I'm hoping that when they regulate my medication, I won't ride the highs and extreme lows that quickly.