Every second of every day......

Every second of every day, I suffer from Anxiety 

I was diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks with agoraphobia seven years ago. Just recently, I received the diagnosis of bipolar 2. This didn't surprise me as my moods would fluctuate from extreme highs to extreme lows. I would go days without sleep, high energy, and excessive shopping, to days when I didn't have the energy to even get out of bed. If I did decide to get out of bed, I would spend the day sitting on the couch, not wanting to see anyone or go anywhere.

Bipolar 2 is a little different from bipolar 1, where the up moods never reach mania, it's  are called hypo-mania. Most people, like myself, also suffer from depression (manic depression), anxiety, or panic attacks. When I go through periods of hyper-mania, it's like my thoughts are bouncing around in my head, I'll even say to Joe that I can't get my brain to stop, and it's difficult concentrating on a single thought, my speech becomes rapid, and I have lots of energy. I welcome the energy though because I manage to get so much done around the house, but I also go days without sleep. I'll go to bed, but I toss and turn and just get up again, It frustrates me, and I desperately long for sleep. Joe will wake at 5 a.m to go to work and would often find me wide awake, this will usually last a few days, and then I crash.  

Anxiety, oh how I wish you would go away, every second of every day I'm in a constant state of anxiety, to the point where my doctor has suggested that I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. A person can only go through this state for short periods of time before it starts affecting your everyday life. It's exhausting! I always feel a tightness in my chest, like something bad is going to happen, and I tend to breath from my upper chest resulting in a shortness of breath. I have so much tension around my neck and upper back that I wake up with aches and pains, but I just can't relax or let go, even when I wake up in the morning, my hands are clenched, and my jaw is tight , I feel restless throughout the day, and often find that my hands tremble. 

                                     Medication, how I wish I didn't have to take them 

I'm on so much medication that I sometimes feel overwhelmed. I have pills for anxiety, for depression, panic attacks, sleep, and now for bipolar. Every time I receive a new prescription, either because I'm not coping or because they need to change it around, I research them by talking to my doctor, pharmacist, and the internet. I want to know every side effect, long term effects, and what they are for. Since my diagnosis of bipolar, I have to get off the ssri's. 

The week before Christmas, I took my last pill for depression but went into discontinuation withdrawal. This doesn't happen to everyone, but it happened to me. I was okay the first day, and thinking that this is going to be a piece of cake, oh how wrong I was. The second day off my medication, I started with dizziness, blurred vision, electric shocks throughout my body, especially my face, disorientation, sweats, chills, and just feeling crappy.  I didn't realize at first that I was going through withdrawal, but it became clear after a few days.  I went to see my doctor who confirmed my suspicions, and she quickly put me back on the ssri's and put me on a 9 week plan to get off them. So this is my 4th week, and I'm scared that I'll go through withdrawal anyway after the 9th week. But I'm trying to stay optimistic and take one day at a time.

Since I started my new medication for Bipolar, I've become very agitated, usually after 6 p.m. I just don't know what to do with myself, I could just pull my hair out, it's such an uncomfortable feeling, and very frustrating to say the least. I've met with my psychiatrist and psychotherapist who both suggested that I take my anxiety medication to help ease this problem. More pills, really?

Time on  ---------------- when people have Agitation  

	< 1 month	1 - 6 months	6 - 12 months	1 - 2 years	2 - 5 years	5 - 10 years	10+ years
Agitation	56.00%	26.00%	10.00%	2.00%	4.00%	2.00%	0.00%

Gender of people who have Agitation when taking---------------------

	Female	Male
Agitation	58.17%	41.83%

http://www.ehealthme.com

I'm not disclosing the names of the medications I'm taking, your doctor will determine what is best for you.

I have a great belief system, that if God brings you too it, He will get you through it. I've never said "why me?" I've always believed that God knows exactly what He's doing, so I ask God, "just show me what I'm meant to do with this" I've always been very open about my condition because I want people to become aware of mental illness, and often come across those suffering in silence. They just don't know who to turn to because there is still such a stigma about mental illness. When this happens, I know this is the plan for me, and that God is working in my life.

If I can help one person through this, then I am complete and accept my path. I have a great support system, Joe is my biggest supporter, along with my family, including my Mom, sisters, pastors from my Baptist Church, and friends. God however, is my rock! I know, without a doubt, that He is with me always, so I'm not afraid, I have a story to tell, so I'm just following His lead. 

Even in my weakest moments, I know that Jesus Christ is carrying me through it. I also believe that I was meant too be on the Million Dollar Neighbourhood in order to tell my story. I pray that someone watching will find strength and hope to carry on their journey.

             So when I'm feeling down, I look up, pray for strength, and carry on.