HOLD ON TO HOPE

One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself, "How did I get through all of that"? Just never let go of hope. Just never quit dreaming. And never let love depart from your life.

_Jancarl Campi

One of the things that helps me get  through the day is knowing that there is hope.  Last night, I pulled out my journals, I dusted them off and began to read them.  My breakdown occurred in September of 2006, and life became a battle.

 I couldn't go back to work, I felt so useless, and such a burden to my family.There was so much pain, I almost forgot how dark my days were, the daily struggles I endured, the set backs, the hopes, and dreams, that were so unreachable at that time. Living everyday with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, which led me to become agoraphobic, I was lost, lost in my mind, and couldn't face the fears. The one thing I held onto was hope, that I would get through this, with the love and support of family and friends, my reliance on doctors, psychiatrists, social workers, psychotherapists and my faith in Jesus Christ. They all were part of my recovery process. Even today, after so many years fighting, I'm faced with the new diagnosis of Bipolar, and so, my journey to recovery continues.

Now don't get me wrong, there were people who didn't believe me, said things like "get over it", "it's all in your head, just pull up your socks", "you're faking it" and "stop your whining",  I felt hurt at the time, but eventually I realized that people needed to be educated. I started talking about it openly, to anyone who would listen. I discovered that people started to open up to me, people who were to afraid to talk to family, friends, or even there own doctor, people who suffered silently because they thought they were loosing their minds, and didn't understand what was happening to them. I am so glad the God is using me by bringing a voice to this silent illness. 

                            from ponderabout.com

June, 12 2006, I wrote:

 "My friend came to visit me today, she asked how I was doing, being the actress that I am, I put on a great smile and replied by saying, I'm great, life couldn't be better. Inside I'm hurting and screaming, IT HURTS, I'M TIRED! I'M NOT OKAY, HELP ME! TAKE IT AWAY! Shortly after, my friend, being happy with my reply, did her duty, and left. I went upstairs and started crying.  I said to Joe that I wish I was normal, that I can't take this anymore. I felt defeated, and cried where I thought I would never stop. "

June, 21 2006, I wrote:

"It is becoming increasingly difficult to function, I've lost that lust for life, the fulfillment, peace, and desire to go on. A make belief smile is getting old and I'm tired of putting on the same show, day after day. This is by far, the hardest job I've ever had to endure."

June 27, 2006, I wrote:

"I can't bear the thought of disappointing them again, it's exhausting." 

June 28, 2006, I wrote:

"It's 3 a.m, once again I can't sleep. I lay awake and start praying. Dear Lord Jesus, please release me from this prison, show me a miracle and set me free. My entire family is being held captive, smothered by the darkness that engulfs me. My children need to grow, to be kissed by the sun, but my shadow swallows up the warmth that they desperately need. I do not ask this for myself, but for my children. Embrace them with your warmth, and set me free."

June 29, 2006, I wrote:

"I will ride the wave of my pain that will lead me to still waters."

 I knew I couldn't do this alone, I was in the depths of despair, clinging on with a thread, I was so close to giving up, but hope kept me alive. 

  The only person I feel safe with is Joe.

July 5, 2006, I wrote:

"I kept asking him to turn around, he kept pushing me to go further. Today I lost the one person I could trust."

Joe was right to push me, I recognized that later in life, but at the time, I felt trapped and needed to escape. My fear was larger than life, no one can imagine what it is like unless you've been there.  Later, I would attempt to go out and test my trust in him,

( He didn't know it at the time though), we would drive five minutes and I would ask him to turn around, without question, he complied to my demand. I did this every once in a while just to make sure he understood, and sure enough, my trust in Joe was regained. Joe was and is still my safe person. I still rely on him to take me out, and he understands, never complains, and if it wasn't for Joe, I don't know what I would have done. 

I suffered for a long time with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, I should have seen it coming, I should have been prepared, but I wasn't. I am now agoraphobic. I can not leave my home, all attempts to see my Psychiatrist have failed. It took everything out of me to see my family doctor who is less than five minutes from my home. Any attempt to leave my home would send me into a panic attack, I couldn't even walk down the street. I had a social worker who came to visit me on a weekly basis for a year, without his guidance, any progress would have been delayed.

I will get more into Agoraphobia later, it's a long story.

For two years, I remained house bound, but I never lost my faith. I knew that God had something planned for me, I just didn't know what that plan was yet. I'm telling you parts of my story now in order to give you hope. 

I will share my recovery journal with you later, but for now rest, because I have been there, I am able to accomplish many things that I never dreamed possible. One of those things was being on a television series called the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, that is being aired now by the OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network). I have a story to tell, but it won't happen on one page. I will take you through my journey, one step at a time. Just like you need to take one step at a time for your recovery.

© 2013 Marina DiLisi