Where should we go?

I love flying, in fact, when I was in my twenties, I applied to become an airline stewardess. As you all know, Joe and I met when we were sixteen, the last thing he wanted was me trotting around the world without him. So I opted for a grounding position in retail.

When we married back in October of '88, we chose to go to Venezuela, very hot, exotic, and everything we expected from South America. The flight was long though, and the beach wasn't that great. But the hotel was fantastic!!!! Thank God we went for 2 weeks though, because I spent the first week in bed, I was so sick. In hindsight, I suffered even then with anxiety and agoraphobia, but wasn't diagnosed yet.

I didn't know then, but that would be the last vacation we took.

The only problem I have today, is where to go? It's been almost 25 years since my last vacation, and something called Agoraphobia has gotten in the way. I don't even know if I can handle getting onto a plane, let alone travel to an unknown destination. But, I'm willing to try, so I've narrowed it down, I need to go somewhere within a 2 hour proximity, close to the airport, but I want it to be hot, with a beach, and fun for the whole family. My dream is to fly somewhere with my children before they are off to college or the work force. Now, the problem, as there are a few, are listed below.

1) I'm agoraphobic, suffer from Depression, with anxiety and panic attacks. Can I handle this? as my illness kind of dictates my life.

2) My son's are in their early 20's, one's in college, and the other is going to college in September. So I want to do this soon. Any suggestions? I'm afraid that if I leave it for much longer, they won't have any interest going on a holiday with their parents.

3) Financially, can we make this a reality? and finally

4) Where to go? 

I would appreciate any feedback, experience, and references to different area's that are outside of Canada. We have our passports, so give me your thoughts.

A FAITH FILLED LIFE

In November, I was diagnosed with bipolar, or I should say misdiagnosed. These have been some of the most trying times since my breakdown seven years ago, but through it all, I have established an amazing network of people, who are there to support and love me. I'm telling this story in order to bring awareness, for those suffering from depression to know that there is help, and to not loose hope.

Life is hard when you feel defeated, worthless, hopeless, and distraught, to the point where you just want to give up, but let me tell you that tomorrow is another day, a day full of hope and new beginnings. There are so many things in this life that are worth fighting for, but the one thing you need to remember is that giving up is not an option. You keep fighting, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how low you go, how dark your life seems, get up, and fight!

Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

We are constantly wrestling with our emotions, especially when we're depressed, it seems that whenever I feel distant from Christ, try to make my own way in this world, that Satan takes a hold of me, brings me down, and makes me weary and full of despair. I am so fortunate to have friends that are encouraging, and remind me to stay on a righteous path. Last week for example, as I was leaving my doctor's office in turmoil, my friend Tatiana is my Pastor's wife, she said, we're here for you always, not just on Sunday's, go to the church and speak to the Pastor. I followed her advice and met with Pastor Noel, and Pastor Jaques, who counselled  and prayed with me. Life gets busy, and sometimes, even those with the best intentions, get distracted. I have gained my strengths through fellowship, and learning to listen to the voice of God. Since seeing my pastor's, I have read the scripture daily.

                                                      www.VerseInspire.me

 

Million Dollar Neighbourhood episode 6 recap

Episode 6 of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood aired last night on the OWN network

This week we were split again, the women against the men, Amber-Lynne Hawryszko and Greg Simpson were the leads this week, and both did a tremendous job!!!!!

Can you imagine living in the same house  and being on different teams? Did they work together for the greater good? 


Amber really is a fashion diva, she is just gorgeous! and really, it wouldn't matter what she put on, she would make it work. That is why Amber was the perfect choice for this weeks lead. This lady knows her clothes!!!!! The store Turquoise, located in the heart of Bowmanville was also featured in last nights episode, which happens to be her favourite store. Greg, well, he is a natural leader, full of great idea's, and loves adventure.  Yes ladies, he's taken, and will be married to the gorgeous Amber-Lynne Hawryszko in 2014. 

Every week, Amber recaps each episode, if you would like to watch, please go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=VakGpSvl6Kk
you won't be disappointed. This is one talented lady!!!!

Let me tell you, it was hard not waving my hand around, trying to bid for some of the amazing experiences that were up for auction. Some of the things included were a helicopter ride donated by the police department, golf experiences, riding in a race car, hotel stays, and some incredible adventures. The men worked hard this week, and there goal? to beat the ladies with this challenge.

The woman's team, oh my goodness, the clothes just piled in. Amanda Beebe's home was undeniably chaotic. She had clothing dropped off at her home, bags, and bags, of   clothing filled her driveway, and home. She, along with many people, spent days, sorting clothing based on gender and size. Through the chaos, she continued to smile, and opened her home to make this weeks challenge a success.

This is Amanda Beebe and Christella Morris with country star  Paul Brandt





Christella has a blog called crawl the line, which you can find on facebook, she also does a vblog recap of every episode, http://www.crawltheline.com/2013/02/mdn-episode-6-recap.html


So, by now, you've probably watched this weeks episode, and know that we lost. When I say lost, I mean that we didn't reach the $100,000, but we won in so many other ways. The fashion show was a success, the woman, men, and children were fabulous, everything went without a hitch. The auction items were incredible!!!!! and we made it all possible within a week. 

Janet Lange designed and brought the runway to life, with her many talents as an artist. 

  https://www.facebook.com/JanetLangeArtDesign?fref=ts

Discretionary spending one of this weeks challenges too, giving up habits like smoking, drinking, and basically buying only what you need.  Smoking, let me say is one of the hardest habits to break. I'm proud to say that my husband Joe has quit smoking and is currently using an electronic cigarette.  I am still smoking, but so are most of the members of the show, I can honestly say that Joe worked hard to kick the habit, and I"m very proud of him.


The chalkateers made there debut this week, Brian Jung and Kelly Maika Bellamy, brought a lot of fun and unexpected messages of encouragement and love.This was introduced as a tactic to quit smoking, and get their minds on other things.

 

This week, we were introduced to the newest member of our Million Dollar Neighbourhood family, with the arrival of Rayna.  

Every week, we're given a challenge, and every week, we grow stronger in spirit and as friendships blossom, we are focused on building a foundation that will last a life time.

Watch next weeks episode, when Brad Fox from Phoenix Handyman General Contracting transforms a home in our community.  

          for an estimate for any small or major renovation, call Brad (905) 259-9586

This has been one of the hardest weeks I've ever endured since my breakdown seven years ago. I was diagnosed with bipolar back in November, but have suffered most of my life with some kind of mental illness, including depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks and agoraphobia. 

Back to the point, my family doctor became a little concerned when I couldn't sleep, literally, couldn't sleep!!!! However, I was also in the process of filming for the Milliion Dollar Neighbourhood, a television reality series for the Oprah Winfrey Network, under a lot of stress, totally out of my element, and exhausted. My psychotherapist strongly recommended that I quit filming as he was quite concerned for my well being.  Quitting however, was not an option for me, If I had left the show, I would have felt like a failure, just something else I couldn't finish. I was determined to give it my all, regardless of the consequences. 

I have always been open about my illness, and felt that sharing my story would inspire viewers to understand what someone with a "mental illness" goes through everyday. 

I've always trusted that the Lord would use me to help others with depression, and their friends and family to understand the struggles we go through everyday, so this was my chance to finally give a voice to an illness that is so silent and misunderstood. . Through laughter and tears, I was ready to accomplish my dream. 

What I didn't know then, was that my struggles would get worse. 

My family doctor sent me to the prompt care clinic to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.  I didn't think anything about it really, I thought they would sort out my medication and get me back on track. Oh boy, was I wrong about that!  I first saw a social worker who asked me a bunch of questions, which, given what I had just gone through over the last four months, seem relevant at the time. What I didn't anticipate was a new diagnosis of bipolar 2. When I finally saw the psychiatrist back in November. I was too slowly discontinue my Fluvoxamine, and start with a new series of drugs called Lamotragine and Seroquel, along with my Clonazapam and Ativan. I wasn't really told how to stop the fluvoxamine, so I just stopped taking it. 

Discontinuation withdrawal Syndrome: I slowly stopped Fluvoxamine, but it didn't take long for the symptoms of withdrawal to invade my body. The flu-like symptoms, the aches, pains, electric shock sensations throughout my body, sleep disturbances,  sweats, shakes, agitation, irritable mood, vision problems, a sense of unbalance, and a total breakdown, brought me right back to the beginning.  I made another appointment to see the doctor, who advised me to increase the new medication and slowly tapper off the old ones. 

I was a mess! I kept thinking, what am I going to do, how am I going to get through this, am I strong enough the second time around? Who do I turn to? I"m loosing control! and I feel so alone!

My anxiety level is through the roof, I dread the mornings as my fear has taken a hold of me. What will the day bring? My emotions are cycling right now, so many thoughts, so much to deal with, I'm in despair. I find no relief, I just can't take it anymore! I mean, come on, I'm anxious, my head is spinning with so many thoughts, like they're bouncing off my brain, just one, let me just catch one, but to no avail., I'm up, I'm down, really down. I hide my tears, I stay still. No one knows, I can't share this, not again.

I call my therapist, he knows me, but he doesn't recognize me, "this is not you" he says.  I'm lost, I'm hurt, I'm scared. "Make an appointment to see your psychiatrist" he says, I can't, they've discharged me, they won't help me. After I saw the social worker, she said my family doctor would handle the rest. I told her that I wasn't stable, I told her that I was scared, she didn't help me, does anyone really care?  "I don't know what to do" he says, "stop the Lamotragine" is what he recommends. "But make sure you see your family doctor in the morning, you need to be stabilized, you can't go on like this!" 

The next day, I visit with my family doctor, she is concerned with my well being, her words of encouragement are helpful. "You will always have us, we're not going anywhere, we've been here before, we'll get you through this again." She draws up a plan for me to stop the Lamotragine safely. She puts me back on the Flovoxamine, agreeing that I'm in crisis. We discuss the best possible route for my therapy, and agree that I will see the same psychiatrist that I saw seven years ago, when I had my first breakdown. I'm back to where I started, but I'm trying to keep it all together, I can't loose control, I can't go back to where I was. She is encouraging, and does her best to console me, but I loosing it. I can feel it, I'm lost. I make a followup appointment, but as I'm about to leave, the secretary, who happens to be my Pastor's wife, hugs me and says," go to the church, the Pastor is there, go talk to him."  

I sit in the parking lot, trying to keep it all together, as soon as the Pastor see's me, I fall apart, and I break down. I knew I had come home, I knew I was safe, I knew that Jesus led me to this place. You see, for the last four months of filming, I left the church, believing that I could do this on my own, through this crisis, I thought I could control it, I was strong enough, I knew enough, experienced enough, what I didn't know was that I had to let go, and let God take over.

The pastor read me Psalm 84, 

As they pass through the Valley of Baca, which means, as they pass through the valley of tears.

Both Pastors came, counselled me, read me scripture, prayed with me, and I felt home, I felt God, I felt peace.

I didn't let God work through me, I thought I could do this all alone. If you're reading this, let go, and let God. He is our Father, we are His children. He is not going to let your life fall to shambles, in fact, He says "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

He will also...............

cause everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 28:8


My  journey is far from over, I have a long road ahead of me, there's going to be some bumps, and up hill climbs, but I know that I must be disciplined and listen to the word of God. To have enough faith to let go, and let God take control. I need to analyze my life,  learn to listen to His plan, not mine. To give my life over completely, and let Jesus be my guide. He will continue to use me for His good, in His time, for His glory.

Be Strong and Courageous!

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

In November, my diagnosis changed from depression to bipolar 2, with generalized anxiety, panic attacks with agoraphobia, at first I was confused and scared, but I've learned to accept the diagnosis and am trying to regulate my medication. Right now, life is a roller coaster, my moods swing up and down so quickly that I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, took the dogs out for a walk, grocery shopped, joined some support groups on facebook, and did a bit of house cleaning. However, through the day, I've gone from elated, to depressed, to helplessness, and then to happy again. I know I'm not alone, I have so many friends and family who love and support me through my journey, and I'm particularly grateful that my Lord Jesus Christ who is fighting this battle for me. Even in my darkest hour, I know that He is with me, so I never have to be afraid. The problem is that I am afraid, even knowing that God has my back. Does that make me weak? Perhaps. I think what I need to do is give this to Him completely and not try to work on this by myself.

I've been on new medication since November, and have slowly reached the recommended dosage, however, the doctor took me off my medication for depression, and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't know if I'm coming or going most of the day. I'm on 4 different medications, and anxiously waiting for Thursday to see my General Practitioner. I went to the Mental Health prompt care clinic, saw a psychiatrist  who diagnosed me with bipolar, saw him 3 times, then sent to the hospital to see a social worker. We spent an hour discussing my illness, and hoping to get a full time psychiatrist but was told that my family doctor would take over my care. Really? I just got diagnosed, you prescribe some pills, and that's it? Wow!!! I suppose I need to allow God to work some miracles in my life, and direct my path.

I hate roller coasters, seriously, they terrify me. My idea of a good time means staying grounded. What does grounded mean when you're bipolar? I'm not sure, no one has really described what being grounded means. Will I always go up and down, with that sinking feeling in your gut?  As you rise to the top, ready to take that dive, does everyone's heart sink to there gut? I'm confused!

I met with the social worker for one hour, asked a bunch of questions, and given a list of books to read about bipolar. I've purchased the books, and have been reading them whenever I have the chance. 

The one I'm currently reading is Bipolar Disorder, A guide for the newly diagnosed. By Janelle M. Caponigro, MA, Erica H.Lee, MA, Sheri L.Johnson, PhD, Ann M.Kring, PhD

This is what I know, Bipolar disorder is an illness related to the chemistry of the brain. The neurotransmitters, which are chemicals that carry information throughout the brain aren't working properly. Two of the neurotransmitters called dopamine and serotonin, are believed to be the cause of mood changes.

                                                                                    

                                                                                 

         Dopamine is related to the reward system and plays a role in wanting something, like achieving a goal. Serotonin is related to mood regulation and helps you from having too many highs and lows.

 Medications help to increase the function of the neurotransmitters, in which case, helps to regulate your moods.

My problem at the moment is that I'm taking several different medications (all prescribed by my doctor), and my moods are all over the place. I'm more alert than before, I found that being on an anti-depressant made me feel like my brain was always in a fog, but that's just me. But, and this is the big question, I'm on different medications for bipolar, I'm thinking clearly, but my moods are literally on a roller coaster. I'm high and I'm low, throughout the day. 

I don't have a psychiatrist, I'm on a waiting list for a support group, seeing another social worker in March, and only have my family doctor and psychotherapist to rely on. Is that enough? Should I be worried? Should I just trust the system, with it's cut backs, and lack of doctors, and just hope for the best? Put my life in there hands, or should I advocate for myself, and seek the help that I need?

I've decided to take control of my life, you have to seek help, find answers, and feel comfortable with your care. No one should ever feel helpless, there are resources to get you through this, but you have to reach out and ask for help. That is exactly what I did today. I reached out to my support system, (it's important to communicate your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust), I called my psychotherapist,seeing him tomorrow for some answers and advise, and meeting with my family doctor to express my concerns. My team of care specialists are amazing, my psychotherapist always makes room for me, even at the last minute, and my family doctor has gotten me through the darkest days, but can she handle this new diagnosis? 

  I will trust in the Lord and ask Him to guide me through the darkness, to show me the light, and bring forth healing, as only He can do. I will continue to meditate on His word, "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:6

If I believe this verse to be true, then I will put my life in His hands, and know that I am strong and courageous!

It's not a pretty ride

This past November ,many changes appeared into my life regarding my illness. For seven years I've had the diagnosis of depression, generalized anxiety, panic attacks /agoraphobia. During filming of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, I had a difficult time, and would often visit my Doctor to increase my medication. I started the show at 100mg of my meds, and had it increased to 300mg, for one, and the other, instead of taking them twice a day, I was up to six a day. My other medications didn't change, but I could see I was spiraling out of control. I was having difficulties sleeping, and asked for sleeping pills, this is when she decided I needed to go see a psychiatrist. 

November, 2012, I went to the prompt care clinic to see a new Psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2.  I had an idea that my diagnosis was going to change, but bipolar? There had to be some mistake? I couldn't wrap my mind around it, who am I, I felt different, I lived for so many years with the same diagnosis, why did they change it now, and how is this going to affect my life. I was confused, asked a lot of questions, and still question the diagnosis, but, I have been keeping track of my moods, and let me tell you, they're not pretty.

Bipolar 2  is less sever than bipolar 1, but let me tell you, it's like a roller coaster ride. I don't know from one day to the next what I"m waking up too,  or for that matter, what my mood will be like hour to hour. I am irritable, depressed, sad, lonely, lethargic, anxious, problems concentrating, decrease in my appetite, and hopelessness.  And then I'm active, happy, with increased energy, (which gets me into trouble with spending spree's), my home gets a total clean, but then again, I can't sleep. My speech is fast, and my brain feels like my thoughts are bouncing off each other. 

I had to withdrawal from my anti-depressants, not an easy task. September I started slowly, from 300 mg, and by December, I was down to 100 mg., I thought well that was easy, so I started to decrease the dose very quickly after that, putting me into a total discontinuation withdrawal.  I had the chills, sweats, shakes, vision problems, tunnel vision, agitation, nausea, and my favourite, electric shocks going through my body. I went to my doctor's again, and she wrote out a plan for me, I went through withdrawal because I didn't decrease my medication properly. So my advice to you, go see you doctor before going off any medication, don't think you can do this alone, it's not a pretty ride. 

So here I am, anxiously waiting for my doctors appointment next week. I'm on my new medication, and up to the required dosage, but, my moods? Even I don't recognize myself!!! I say things to people that I would normally keep in my head, I snap easily, am irritable, moody, and tense. I worry constantly about things that don't require the effort, I don't want to eat, I don't enjoy anything that I used to enjoy.  I can't concentrate, and loose my patience very easily. Let's just say, I'm not enjoyable to be around right now. I'm depressed, and feel like I'm right where I started. I feel aggravated, because this is not where I should be, nor where I want to be. I recognize all the symptoms, and just want to crawl out of my skin.  I have detected very odd and erratic behaviors that don't compliment me at all. If I think back to my younger days, my PMS days, and I was moody then, believe me, this caused a lot of strife between Joe and I, but eventually got myself together, and was pleasant to be around. Now I feel like it's PMS all over again, times 10, and it's not a pretty ride.

I know I just have to hold on for another five days, I see my doctor on the seventh, I just have to hold on, and ride this roller coaster, hopefully, when I see her, I can finally get off this ride and never get back on.

I'm hoping that when they regulate my medication, I won't ride the highs and extreme lows that quickly.