When it rains.......go to the beach

When it rains, it's cleansing, nourishing, and fresh, however, when I'm depressed, it reminds me of all the tears I wish I could allow to fall. There are some days that my mind is consumed by life's struggles, they are so deep, hidden from everyone including myself. When Joe asks me what's the matter? I usually reply by saying "I'm just tired", but really, what I want to say is "sometimes I can't handle this" "sometimes I just need someone to take care of me" I so tired, mentally, emotionally, and physically, yet I can't relax, sleep, or stop the thoughts from coming.

So what do I do when I feel like this? I get into the car, say that I have some errands to run, head off to get a coffee, and sit at the beach. There's something about the sounds of the waves, the quiet, watching the birds that allows me some time to refocus, to pray, and to just be still. It's hard to explain how overwhelmed I feel sometimes, but just getting out to be alone is my only way to release some of this anxiety and stress. I watch the water, and just listen to the waves, the birds chirping, feel the sand between my toes, and much to my surprise, it's usually quiet.

No one knows that I'm here, I usually don't say. This is my

place of peace.

I don't have to listen to why I didn't to this, or why I did that, that I've done something wrong, or spent too much money. No one talks to me here, no one complains, there's no arguing, it's me and mother nature. So I will keep this to myself, once again. Fighting my fight, alone.

 

 

 

anxiety coping techniques,

If you suffer from anxiety, as I do, you know what it's like to feel uneasy, worried, and out of control. You're constantly trying to control your surroundings so you're prepared for whatever hits you. Although with all the uncertainty around you, you're never really in control are you?

So what does one do when your anxiety becomes chronic? or in my case, have pre-anticipatory anxiety too? First thing, seek professional advice, a family doctor will refer you to a psychiatrist, where you'll be diagnosed, probably prescribed medication, coping techniques, and often group counselling.

I have a particularly hard time planning anything, which becomes quite difficult when you have a family, especially when you have young kids. I've missed out on a lot, especially family events like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthdays. In fact, I became so horrified about having panic attacks, that I became agoraphobic for 2 years. I couldn't even leave the house to do simple tasks like getting groceries, or picking my kids up from school, those were the hardest times in my life, but trying to get a grip on anxiety will do that.

 You feel isolated, and alone, people try to understand, but you know you're constantly letting them down. You feel fatigued because you're trying so hard to survive, some people may label you as lazy, but anxiety affects your whole body, it's not just a feeling, it's real.

So how do I cope? here are some techniques that have helped me............................

• Keep a journal, this will help you get those feelings out
• Keep a running record of when you experience a panic attack, where you were, time, what you were feeling, and your reaction.
• Take your medication on time, as prescribed.
• I was lucky to have a therapist who came to my home once a week, where we practiced cognitive therapy.
• Practice yoga, I know you've heard this before, but it really helps, especially the breathing.
• Moderate caffeine intake, caffeine can mimic panic attacks, did you know that? the first time I went to see my psychiatrist, I had a coffee with me, the first thing he said, "that's the first thing that needs to go."
• Eat healthy, stay away from chocolate, for me, chocolate has the same affect as caffeine, not good.
• Walk, I know, you've heard this one before, when I became agoraphobic, this is one of the first things my therapist tried to get me to do. Remember, I couldn't leave the house, so walking away from my safe place was the worst feeling ever! However, with time, and lots of help, I finally managed to walk around the block. My therapist would talk with me, trying to get my attention away from my feelings.
• Read, I started reading the bible, which I still do on a daily basis, believe me or not, this offered me a connection with God, knowing that He was with me always.
• Don't be too hard on yourself, you're not crazy, this isn't just in your head, you need help, it's out there. Seek it.
• Be kind to yourself, negative self talk is common, but try to reverse it with positive affirmations. Developing a positive mindset, can actually change the way you think! "I love myself completely", "I will get through this", "I am safe"
• Find a hobby! During the summer, I love to garden, just having my hands in the soil, getting together with nature, and seeing the results come to life is uplifting, and getting some much needed vitamin D certainly lifts your mood too. During the winter, although not a hobby, I go out to shovel the snow, just moving, being outside is a mood lifter too. But my real hobby is making jewelry, I order all my materials on line, make necklaces and bracelet's that I end up keeping or giving as gifts. It doesn't really matter what you choose, just do something. Life is hard enough, do something you enjoy.
• Photography, another one of my passions, allows me to see things in a new perspective. It's amazing how differently things look through a lens, which has also altered how I see myself.

Breathe, and let go. Let all your anxieties flow out of you with every exhale, breath in confidence and healing.

Just for today, love who you are, love all your mistakes, be one with yourself.

 
 

You're unique, there's no one else like you, you were created with a special purpose, find your talents, grow, and share  your journey.

 

 

 

 

Million Dollar Perspective: Young Onset Parkinson's disease with dystonia and ...

Million Dollar Perspective: Young Onset Parkinson's disease with dystonia and ...:      Life was so easy back then, back when we were little girls, thinking about our crowns of daisies. We would go out each day, the suns wa...

Young Onset Parkinson's disease with dystonia and Dyskinesia

     Life was so easy back then, back when we were little girls, thinking about our crowns of daisies. We would go out each day, the suns warmth hitting our skin, searching for daisies that grew throughout the silky grass. This is one of the memories I have from visiting Germany with my Mom, little sister, and brother. Mom must have taught us how to chain the daisies, but I don't really remember that part, but I do remember sitting there, waiting for our doll clothes to dry on the line, chaining daisies.  Our grandmother bought us each a doll, and each day, my sister and I would wash their cloths, hang them with pride, play ring around the rosy, while our Oma checked on us through her kitchen window. By the end of the day, our dolls clothing smelled like summers rain, so fresh, while each of us wore our crown of daisies with such joy.  Such simple things, but some of my fondest memories.

     Today I got a call at 9:30 a.m., my sister asking me to come down so I could go to the hospital with her. She has YOPD (young onset Parkinson's disease), and suffers from Dystonia. The only way she explains the pain is like a Charlie horse cramp that doesn't stop. It can start anywhere in the body, and often goes from her feet all the way to her neck. Her hands and feet literally curl up, and stay that way for hours! Can you imagine that? You can actually see the muscles in her body contracting, the pain is excruciating to say the least, and often treated with narcotics. She goes hours with extreme pain, that is difficult to witness. I've posted two pictures with her permission, just to give you an idea of what it looks like. 

There are no medications to prevent dystonia, or stop it's progression, although we are hopeful for a cure, treatment continues to be difficult.

 

I'm not a doctor, or educated in this field, everything I'm writing is based on personal experience.

                      This is what I've learned so far................

• One doctor said that she is the worst case he's ever witnessed, and that the pain is indescribable.
• Today the doctor and I spoke privately while she was being treated, he said that he's never treated a patient so young with this debilitating disease.
• Many people believe that Parkinson's is a shaking disease that affects the elderly, through Michael J Fox, he brought to light the severity of this disease with media attention, the foundation, and books he's written. 
•  No one talks about Dyskinesia or Dystonia, which is often part of this disease too.
• There are lots of medications to treat Parkinson's disease, but I'm not educated enough to speak of them. Yet.

Dystonia is painful, muscular cramping throughout the body.
Dyskinesia is involuntary movement.

Both are difficult to treat, both cause extreme stress to the body.



I love my sister so much, and will always be there for her, to advocate for her, and to do everything in my power, to support her with unconditional love.

To read her blog, just click on the link, as you'll learn first hand, the day to day struggles from a real person, living a life with YOPD.

http://chrisgontayopd.blogspot.ca/2015/04/staying-positive.htmlhttp://chrisgontayopd.blogspot.ca/2015/04/staying-positive.html


  

    

    

Just keep smiling :)

                                                      Just Keep Smiling

How hard can that be? When you're in survival mode, that's the only thing you can do because as soon as you release one tear, you're done. As a person suffering from depression, there are some days I just feel a sudden urge to give in. All I want to do is cry, but my inner voice reminds me to not let it go, because as soon as I give in, I won't be able to stop. "Not now, not now, not now", is my mantra, I have too much to do, too many people who need me right now. So just keep smiling.

Living with depression isn't easy, but I've learned quite a few tools that keep me going.......for now

• Be silly, many of my friends see me as serious, but as you can see in the photo, I do take opportunities to be silly every once in a while.
• Laugh, watch some video's, listen to jokes, seriously, find something that will make you laugh daily.
• Dance (I listen to music after dinner, it motivates me, gets my energy level up, and yes, I dance, and I sing. I'll go into a whole musical mode, which always makes Joe laugh. The air guitar, the microphone, and some pretty sensational moves, if I say so myself, but I feel good.
• Read, I always read, it's like a release from your real life.
• Yoga, find your Zen, really, take some time for yourself, you deserve it.
• walk, I know you've heard this one a million times, but trust me, it works.
• think positive, I know this is a hard one, especially when you have that monster whispering in your ear that life is just too hard, but you truly are what you think, so think good thoughts. Fight those demons, it will take practise, but you can do this.
• I personally find strength from reading the Bible, it inspires me, and reminds me that I'm not in this fight alone. God is always with me!
• Be lazy, who cares if you take a "me day" good for you! but don't do it everyday.
• talk to friends and family, luckily, I'm surrounded by a supportive family, and friends, but I don't often complain about being depressed. Most don't know that I'm going through a depressive episode, this is something I need to work on, but the signs are there if they really looked.
• make sure you go to your appointments, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, councillor, family doctor, or whoever you see, keep it!
• take your medication! If you've been prescribed medication for depression, anxiety, panic disorder, sleeping difficulties, or agoraphobia as I have been, taking your meds at the same time each day is a key factor in having them work effectively.

If you feel suicidal, call or go to your local hospital, crisis center, or call for help. Don't ever give up, no matter how low you're feeling, there is help.

I smile, I laugh, I plan for the future, but there are days that I just can't cope, where I'm so tired of trying that I can't find a way out, but I look around me, and know that I'm loved. That's what gives me the upper hand, to know that my family, and friends would be there in a breath, to hold me up.

My husband has cancer, my sister has Parkinson's, what do I have to complain about? Let me tell you, everyone struggles with there own demons, don't let anyone tell you that your depression isn't real, because I know how much you struggle. Sometimes you have to be stronger than your disease to help those around you, but never underestimate the seriousness of your illness. If you need help, or don't have the strength to help those around you, whether you have kids, a husband, sickness in the family, know that you're no good to anyone else unless you take care of yourself first.

So keep smiling, but be true to yourself.

Million Dollar Perspective: Plantar Fasciitis, it hurts!

Million Dollar Perspective: Plantar Fasciitis, it hurts!: Today I want to talk about plantar fasciitis, a pain in the heel of your foot.  The ligament that connects the heel to the toe, if you put a...

Plantar Fasciitis, it hurts!

Today I want to talk about plantar fasciitis, a pain in the heel of your foot.  The ligament that connects the heel to the toe, if you put any kind of strain on the plantar fasciitis, it becomes swollen, weak, and it hurts. Some doctors have compared the pain to a compound fracture, I would tend to agree. The pain is excruciating, especially after resting or sitting.

So what do you do about it?

I'm not a doctor, so please consult one before trying anything here, these are all things I've tried, some successful, some not so much.

See your doctor for a proper diagnosis, I had ex-rays done, as seen above, to rule out a bone spur.

First, I went to see a physical therapist, she did some ultra sound waves on my foot, along with some stretching exercises that I needed to follow at home.

I also went to see a chiropractor, she stretches the plantar fasciitis, which feels really good, and does some adjustments. By far, this has been my favourite treatment. I was also fitted with orthotics, which is very important, especially for the arch of your foot.

I also see a specialist for rheumatoid arthritis, who confirmed the Plantar Fasciitis diagnosis. He suggested a cortisone shot right into the heel of my foot. At this point, I would try anything, as nothing seemed to help. 

Things I've tried at home:
You name it, I've tried it, that's how much plantar Fasciitis hurts, it affects everything you do in a day, because if you hurt while walking, that's going to impact your daily routine.

The leg brace: I wore mine at night, as advised, the only thing it did, to be honest, is making sleep uncomfortable. I didn't really see anything positive about wearing a brace.

Creams and sprays: They swear this is the one that will work, nope, not for me anyway. If you find one that's successful, let me know.

Ice packs: Absolutely brilliant! My chiropractor actually suggested a water bottle filled with water, so when you freeze it, you can actually roll your foot comfortably, and it helps with the pain and swelling.

Stretching: Another great one, stretch as soon as you get up, your health care provider will recommend different kind of stretches, I strongly suggest you follow the routine regularly.

Taping: This provides some comfort, but it's short lived and doesn't solve the problem.

Massage: Yes! but get your significant other to do it, those machines you buy at the big box stores really doesn't do the trick.

Orthotics: Absolutely necessary! if you can't afford orthotics, wear really good shoes! My podiatrist actually advised me to wear "Crocs", luckily I found some that look like sandals and are rather cute. I also wear Sketchers, they have been, by far, the best shoes for me. The make runners, sandals, even boots.

Wearing a tenser bandage: doesn't do anything for me either.

Cortisone shot: Yes I've had this too and it freaked me out, the needle is quite large, and they place it directly into the heel of your foot. Does it hurt? Heck yeah, but this only provided temporary relief. It's not a quick fix and only lasted about a week for me.

Ultra sound: This didn't do a thing for me, I went for weeks/months seeing a physio therapist, the only thing I got out of it was a big bill. Everyone's different though, and it may work for you.

I can walk for hours with limited pain, but as soon as I sit down and relax for a while, oh my goodness, my foot cramps up and the pain is unbelievable. If this happens to you, stretch before getting up, that will provide some relief.

So far, I have to say that going to the chiropractor has been the best therapy for me, the deep pressure and stretching helps a lot. Stretching, is by far, the best thing you can do for planters fasciitis, again, consult your doctor to prepare a plan that will work for you. This is frustrating, debilitating, and a nuisance, if you're reading this, and have any advise that you can share, please do so.

Million Dollar Perspective: Get to know your parents, understand that friends ...

Million Dollar Perspective: Get to know your parents, understand that friends ...: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI Please listen to this song/ inspirational video..........................These are the words. ...

Get to know your parents, understand that friends come and go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Please listen to this song/ inspirational video..........................These are the words.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99
Wear sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
Than my own meandering experience, I will dispense this advice now

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh, never mind
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth
Until they've faded but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back
At photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now
How much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked You are not as fat as you imagine

Don't worry about the future or worry that know that worrying
Is as affective as trying to solve an algebra equation
By chewing bubble gum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things
That never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday
Do one thing every day that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind
The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself
Remember compliments you receive
Forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements

Stretch

The most interesting people
I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't
Get plenty of calcium, be kind to your knees
You'll miss them when they're gone

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the 'Funky Chicken'
On your 75th wedding anniversary
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much
Or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can
Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own, dance
Even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room
Read the directions even if you don't follow them
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good Be nice to your siblings, they're your best link to your past
And the people most likely to stick with you in the future

Understand that friends come and go
But a precious few, who should hold on

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
For as the older you get, the more you need the people
You knew when you were young
Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard
Live in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths
Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you, too, will get old
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young
Prices were reasonable, politicians were noble
And children respected their elders

Respect your elders

Don't expect anyone else to support you
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse
But you never know when either one might run out

Don't mess too much with your hair
Or by the time you're 40 it will look 85

Be careful whose advice you buy but be patient with those who supply it Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
From the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts
And recycling it for more than it's worth

But trust me on the sunscreen

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) Lyrics
 

It's time to clean house.........

It's time to prioritize, I had to put everything in order since Joe's diagnosis, and to make sure everything ran smoothly, I kept a binder to remind myself of future appointments, CT scans, MRI's, phone numbers, Dr. names, etc. I kept notes during each appointment so we could research, use the information with the other doctors, and let's face it, and to  keep it for our own reference. I would advise anyone to keep a running record of doctor visits. We also got copies of all reports, CT scan discs, MRI CD's, and anything else we could get our hands on. When you're travelling from one doctor to another for the same thing, you would assume each would have a copy of your health records, WRONG! If you're going through cancer, or any other disease where you're seeing a handful of specialists, I would strongly suggest this, not only to save time, but save your sanity.

Secondly, household duties just seemed harder for me, nothing really mattered anymore, but after a while, I realized that I needed to keep an orderly home, one that would give a sense of calm and serenity for Joe. I didn't want him to worry about anything, so I started with outside chores like mowing the lawn, flower gardens, taking out the garbage and recycling bins, because things just needed to get done. The boys luckily helped a lot, but most of it fell on me, which is okay, I would do anything to take the burden off my husband.

Then I tried to calm the chaos inside the home, starting with my filing system, it's important to have easy access to important information. You'd be surprized with the amount of paper work required for insurance purposes, doctor visits, medication, and household files that you will need.

During this process, I was in panic mode, I wanted everything to be in order so Joe would have some peace and serenity in an otherwise disorganized home. All the drawers and cupboards were organized, missing lids, containers, were thrown out, things I haven't used were donated, which allowed easy access and less clutter to be a part of our lives.

Healthy eating, bring on the kale! Clean eating became our new style which included, low sugar if any, no salt, organic vegetables and meat. Trust me on this one, I had to really research clean eating, but the internet is a great source of information, so I won't bore you will the details. I will let you know that it's expensive! and with Joe on S&A, we had to go into our savings. Buy what's in season, you don't need to eat meat everyday, and local farms are an excellent venue for fruits and vegetables. The health food store became our second home for a while, especially during the wait time to see an oncologist. We researched everything on the web, and purchased anything from exotic teas, high antioxidant juices, shark cartilage, and other strange concoctions in order to prepare Joe's body for the chemo drugs. Once we got into the oncologist, we were told to stop everything like that in case it interfered with the treatment. We still felt good doing it though, we believe that having a healthy body prepared Joe for the harsh side affects of the drug. However, I am not suggesting to anyone to try these, please consult your health care professional first. We even got rid of our microwave, well to be honest, we moved it too the basement, but we never looked back! Figuring all the radiation isn't good for anyone, especially someone with health issues. Everything I prepared was made fresh, which of course is more time consuming, so I suggest to take time management seriously. What you do on a normal day will take longer, everything required a lot of prep time, so plan your meals in advance.

I stopped using any kind of sprays or disinfectants in our home, they're simply not good for you or the environment. I now use vinegar and water for most surfaces, even using a faux leather cloth to dust, does wonders. The only thing I used bleach for was the toilet, and the reason for that was the chemo drugs are toxic to anyone cleaning the bathrooms. (as told to me by the hospital), so I had to make sure it was properly disinfected for everyone's benefit.
I even went as far as using only organic shampoo, conditioners, and body soap. You'd be amazed at what the body absorbs from all the chemicals used on your body, and in your environment.  I don't even use candles anymore, as they too release toxins into the air.

Sleep, Joe is always fatigued, so sleeping was very important for his well being. Me on the other hand, due to my own health issues, found it very difficult to sleep. I was beginning to feel run down from exhaustion, stress, (depression, anxiety, and constant panic attacks) so I made an appointment with my family doctor. She increased my medications, the ones I already take, so I could sleep. As a caretaker, you often forget about yourself. I can't stress this enough, keep care of yourself. If you become exhausted, you're no good to anyone.


Exercise, eat right, meditate, listen to music, what ever makes you feel good, do it. You have to keep up your energy to fight the good fight with your loved one. Getting enough sleep falls into that category too. I love yoga, so practising as often as I can really clears my mind, getting outdoors, reading a good book, takes you into a place where you don't have to think about reality for a while. Be good to yourself!

Million Dollar Perspective: The tables have turned

Million Dollar Perspective: The tables have turned: The tables have turned............I'm the one who's always been sick, the one who can't leave the house, to need someone, mainly...

The tables have turned

The tables have turned............I'm the one who's always been sick, the one who can't leave the house, to need someone, mainly Joe, to take care of me. Depression is a debilitating disease, that causes you too lose yourself. When I had my breakdown, I lost everything, my career, self-esteem, and my life. I became isolated, stopped visiting friends and family, a prisoner in my own mind. Anxiety, panic attacks, and a sense of worthlessness became my prison, where eventually, I became agoraphobic and couldn't leave my home for 2 years. Through many years of cognitive therapy, psychiatrist visits, medication, and positive self talk, I was starting to come out, meaning, I could go to the grocery store for a few groceries, I could walk to the mail box, but still couldn't manage going anywhere without Joe.

 When Joe was diagnosed with cancer last May, the shift was immediate. I became the caretaker, the one who had to be strong, but how does one just turn the tables and not be affected? I mean, depression compared to cancer isn't something you can complain about, nor was it something I could even talk about, so I did the only thing I could do, and that was putting it on a shelf, bringing every emotion inward, too the point where I became numb.

The only time I cried was when I learned that Mom may also have cancer, lung cancer, so both my husband and my Mom had cancer. How was that even possible? God, I prayed, please take away this pain, I can't handle both of them being sick, please, spare at least one. I cried so hard, the last time I cried like that was when my father passed away, 25 years ago. Just before the biopsy, we learned that Mom and Joe were going in the same day, they ended up in a room beside each other. This wasn't arranged, in fact, the nurses were beside themselves that the two were related. About a week later, we discovered that Mom was cleared and didn't have cancer, but Joe had a rare form, that would take months of chemo therapy (by mouth) for the 9cm tumour to shrink to the point where they could go in safely to remove it.

May 1st, 2014, I became the caretaker, not the patient.

Joe was immediately told that he couldn't go back to work, we knew from the biopsy that the type of cancer he has was called GIST, a rare form of cancer that was only managed through Gleevec, a type of chemo therapy given by mouth. He lost weight quickly, was nauseated, fatigued, and couldn't do what he normally did around the house. Our roles had changed, quickly, and that's okay, except I didn't know who to turn too, as I'm not one who likes to ask for help, and I find it hard to accept help. This was my new role, so I did it all, from healthy, organic, homemade meals, to home management, to outside maintenance.

 I couldn't speak of being tired, sad, or depressed, because as Joe once said to me " what are you complaining about? You don't have cancer!" So there it was.............my depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, which didn't magically disappear, had to remain silent.  There it stayed, locked away, the day the tables turned.