Every second of every day......

Every second of every day, I suffer from Anxiety 

I was diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks with agoraphobia seven years ago. Just recently, I received the diagnosis of bipolar 2. This didn't surprise me as my moods would fluctuate from extreme highs to extreme lows. I would go days without sleep, high energy, and excessive shopping, to days when I didn't have the energy to even get out of bed. If I did decide to get out of bed, I would spend the day sitting on the couch, not wanting to see anyone or go anywhere.

Bipolar 2 is a little different from bipolar 1, where the up moods never reach mania, it's  are called hypo-mania. Most people, like myself, also suffer from depression (manic depression), anxiety, or panic attacks. When I go through periods of hyper-mania, it's like my thoughts are bouncing around in my head, I'll even say to Joe that I can't get my brain to stop, and it's difficult concentrating on a single thought, my speech becomes rapid, and I have lots of energy. I welcome the energy though because I manage to get so much done around the house, but I also go days without sleep. I'll go to bed, but I toss and turn and just get up again, It frustrates me, and I desperately long for sleep. Joe will wake at 5 a.m to go to work and would often find me wide awake, this will usually last a few days, and then I crash.  

Anxiety, oh how I wish you would go away, every second of every day I'm in a constant state of anxiety, to the point where my doctor has suggested that I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. A person can only go through this state for short periods of time before it starts affecting your everyday life. It's exhausting! I always feel a tightness in my chest, like something bad is going to happen, and I tend to breath from my upper chest resulting in a shortness of breath. I have so much tension around my neck and upper back that I wake up with aches and pains, but I just can't relax or let go, even when I wake up in the morning, my hands are clenched, and my jaw is tight , I feel restless throughout the day, and often find that my hands tremble. 

                                     Medication, how I wish I didn't have to take them 

I'm on so much medication that I sometimes feel overwhelmed. I have pills for anxiety, for depression, panic attacks, sleep, and now for bipolar. Every time I receive a new prescription, either because I'm not coping or because they need to change it around, I research them by talking to my doctor, pharmacist, and the internet. I want to know every side effect, long term effects, and what they are for. Since my diagnosis of bipolar, I have to get off the ssri's. 

The week before Christmas, I took my last pill for depression but went into discontinuation withdrawal. This doesn't happen to everyone, but it happened to me. I was okay the first day, and thinking that this is going to be a piece of cake, oh how wrong I was. The second day off my medication, I started with dizziness, blurred vision, electric shocks throughout my body, especially my face, disorientation, sweats, chills, and just feeling crappy.  I didn't realize at first that I was going through withdrawal, but it became clear after a few days.  I went to see my doctor who confirmed my suspicions, and she quickly put me back on the ssri's and put me on a 9 week plan to get off them. So this is my 4th week, and I'm scared that I'll go through withdrawal anyway after the 9th week. But I'm trying to stay optimistic and take one day at a time.

Since I started my new medication for Bipolar, I've become very agitated, usually after 6 p.m. I just don't know what to do with myself, I could just pull my hair out, it's such an uncomfortable feeling, and very frustrating to say the least. I've met with my psychiatrist and psychotherapist who both suggested that I take my anxiety medication to help ease this problem. More pills, really?

Time on  ---------------- when people have Agitation  

	< 1 month	1 - 6 months	6 - 12 months	1 - 2 years	2 - 5 years	5 - 10 years	10+ years
Agitation	56.00%	26.00%	10.00%	2.00%	4.00%	2.00%	0.00%

Gender of people who have Agitation when taking---------------------

	Female	Male
Agitation	58.17%	41.83%

http://www.ehealthme.com

I'm not disclosing the names of the medications I'm taking, your doctor will determine what is best for you.

I have a great belief system, that if God brings you too it, He will get you through it. I've never said "why me?" I've always believed that God knows exactly what He's doing, so I ask God, "just show me what I'm meant to do with this" I've always been very open about my condition because I want people to become aware of mental illness, and often come across those suffering in silence. They just don't know who to turn to because there is still such a stigma about mental illness. When this happens, I know this is the plan for me, and that God is working in my life.

If I can help one person through this, then I am complete and accept my path. I have a great support system, Joe is my biggest supporter, along with my family, including my Mom, sisters, pastors from my Baptist Church, and friends. God however, is my rock! I know, without a doubt, that He is with me always, so I'm not afraid, I have a story to tell, so I'm just following His lead. 

Even in my weakest moments, I know that Jesus Christ is carrying me through it. I also believe that I was meant too be on the Million Dollar Neighbourhood in order to tell my story. I pray that someone watching will find strength and hope to carry on their journey.

             So when I'm feeling down, I look up, pray for strength, and carry on.

Million Dollar Neighbourhood premier

Tonight was the premier of our show, the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network Canada. It is a 10 week reality series, featuring 100 families who are trying to increase their net worth by $1,000,000. Each episode is an hour long, and challenging to say the least. Our lives become public, our financial struggles  and personal lives are an open book. Our lives are exposed in order for us to change the way we look at things.

Prior to filming, I talked to my Psychotherapist about joining this reality series, his views were quite concerning, and thought I would get worse before the end of taping, and didn't recommend it. I went against his recommendation and decided that my story could help others understand what someone with major depression, anxiety, and panic disorder goes through on a daily basis. I also thought that I could help others who were going through the same thing, a different perspective, give them some hope for tomorrow, courage to go on, and a future with possibilities. 

If you miss an episode, don't worry, there are repeats throughout the week.

 A few of us met up this evening to watch the premier. The show airs each Sunday on the OWN network at 8 p.m

The Good  (getting out of debt) Sale

On the first episode on the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, 100 families are given the challenge by first taking our credit cards and putting them into a safety deposit box. We were not allowed to use our cards for the duration of the show, and would have to answer to our money monitor (another participant) if we used them. This was particularly difficult for me as I use my my cards as a crutch, as a diagnosed shopaholic, spending money on my card was easy. I wasn't using physical cash, so it didn't hurt as much. Using a credit card felt like I wasn't paying for anything at all. At one point in my life, I managed to get $60,000 in debt, simply by using credit cards. I went for credit counselling, and consolidated my debt. It took 7 years, without credit, to pay them back. When I finally payed everything back, it took a while before a bank allowed me another card, but I did eventually get new ones.  I would go on shopping binges, buying designer handbags, clothing, and household items I didn't need. As a result, I put another $12,000 on credit, and finally realized I needed help. 

 Not using my card allowed me to see the damage I was creating, and how this impacted my family.

We were also given the challenge of earning $100,000 collectively by selling items in our home that we didn't need in the Good (getting out of debt) sale. Our host, Dr.Joti Samra, came to our home and asked me to sell my handbags, among other things. I was hesitant at first because they were like my trophies, each represented a time of freedom from my fears, and each had a story to tell, a time that allowed me to get out of my home. I began to realize that the handbags were just things, and that is was me who had the story, and me who had the strength and courage to go out of my comfort zone.  During filming, I experienced many panic attacks, not because they wanted to sell my bags, but because I was giving a part of myself that I felt I could control. Shopping gave me a sense of power and control, something I lost during my illness. It was through Dr. Joti Samra's  encouragement and expertise, that I was able to complete this task by bringing in over $1200. during the good sale.

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        Dr. Joti Samra

During the Good Sale, I had a difficult time, there were so many people! It was like I was living my worst nightmare. Although I had my Mom, sisters, Son, and Joe with me for support, I just felt so alone. The people were just walking by me like a blur, I couldn't take it anymore, and tried to find a place to collect myself. I was sitting under a tree, having a major panic attack when all of a sudden, I was surrounded by camera's, directors, and crew, capturing my fear. Joe is very protective of me, and asked them to stop filming. However, I felt it necessary for them to capture it in order to bring this illness to light, to make it real for the viewers. Remember, my purpose and intention for this show was to help others with the same condition, to bring awareness, and to help families with those suffering from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks understand what someone goes through. Joe was talking me through it, and our host Preet Banerjee was there, asking me what was happening. On television, you here Preet telling me to take all the time I need. What you don't see is the encouraging words, concern, and understanding he showed me, Preet stayed with me for quite some time (that part is on the editing floor)  before telling me to take all the time I needed. 

                                          

Preet Banerjee

The first episode was a success, we made our goal of $100,000 and one family, Michelle and Tony Morrison, were awarded with $10,000.

Here are some never before seen, candid shots form the good sale.

The directors, James, Jeanette, and Kim

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Helloooooooooo

Tune in next Sunday at 8 p.m to see episode 2 from the Million Dollar Neighbourhood. Will we make it for another week? What is our next challenge? Watch and find out!

Today is The Day, Million Dollar Neighbourhood Premier

Bowmanville is in the spotlight as Oprah Winfrey show prepares for Sunday debut, at 8 p.m. I will share the whole story after the premier, and behind the scenes photo's for the first time. 

Published on Friday January 04, 2013

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FORCE FOUR ENTERTAINMENT PHOTOOne hundred families in Bowmanville, Ont., took part in the reality TV show "Million Dollar Neighbourhood," which is set to premiere on the Oprah Winfrey Network (Canada) at 8 p.m. Sunday.

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Niamh Scallan
Staff Reporter  the star

 

The reality spotlight has shone on booze-soaked Jersey Shore parties, Donald Trump’s boardrooms and the world of Honey Boo Boo.

Now, it’s Bowmanville’s turn.

Months after television trucks rolled into town with cameramen and producers in tow, the unassuming community of 43,000 people about an hour’s drive east of Toronto will find itself thrust into the national spotlight this weekend with the second season debut of “Million Dollar Neighbourhood.”

The reality show, set to premiere on the Oprah Winfrey Network (Canada) at 8 p.m. Sunday, follows 100 families over a 10-week period as they battle in weekly, money-saving challenges and work together to raise the community’s net worth by $1 million.

Over the course of 10 episodes, families will open their homes and balance books to financial experts, working through tears, heated spats and team-building moments in a bid to straighten out their personal finances and improve their communal lot.

“I liken it to sort of a major disaster. (The show) seriously brought us together,” said Michelle Kimmerly, a 30-year-old photographer whose young family was among the 100 featured.

A lakeside community once supported by heavy industry, financial hardship has become a familiar theme in Bowmanville with workers across the region laid off from their jobs in years since the recession.

“There are some common and unique challenges in Bowmanville,” said Preet Banerjee, a former financial adviser who co-hosts the show. “Many of the families here have struggled with losing a breadwinner in the house, losing their jobs.” Many, he added, face mounting credit card debt.

Julie Cooper’s family is among them.

About three months before “Million Dollar Neighbourhood” was filmed, the 32-year-old’s husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. He passed away three weeks later, leaving Cooper — an underemployed teacher with a 2-year-old son named Sam — devastated and struggling to make ends meet.

Saddled with more than $50,000 worth of student and credit card debt, Cooper said she saw the show as a chance to learn more about how to become financially healthier. With the chance of winning $10,000 a week, she also saw it as an opportunity to better provide for her son.

“It’s certainly uncomfortable for people to know how much debt you’re in and having the cameras follow you around is not a great part. It was definitely emotionally draining,” Cooper said. “But it was an opportunity for us to improve our situation.”

Less than a year later, Cooper and other Bowmanville families credit both the show and their neighbours for helping to pull them out of the hole.

Kimmerly, who gave birth to her second child while producers were still filming the show last August, said her family was in “medium debt” when they decided to participate in the show early last year.

Realizing they spent a “shocking” $400 a month on fast food, Kimmerly said her family cut back on “impulse buys” and stopped using credit cards. But the help of other residents also helped improve the family’s finances. One friend, for example, offered to dye and style Kimmerly’s hair in exchange for a photo shoot instead of money.

While the show’s producers cannot reveal whether Bowmanville achieved its $1-million goal, residents say they’ve only gained from the television crew invading their homes and streets for a summer.

“People are still offering to help each other out of the goodness of their hearts,” said Kimmerly. “It has turned us in to a giant family.”

Tips to improve your finances

1. Budget. Track your spending on small daily items, such as coffee and fast food. It adds up.

2. Cut back on credit card use. If you don’t have the money, don’t spend it.

3. Reinvent yourself. Look for ways to cut back your spending, such as mortgage options or renegotiating phone rates, etc.

Niamh Scallan

This Mountain I must climb

                             This Mountain I Must Climb

 I can't do anything, I'm being smothered by these walls as they close around me. I've lost all my hopes and dreams, self-esteem, self-worth, all I have now is an emptiness that can not be filled.

I stopped going to the psychiatrist because I was agoraphobic, it was impossible for me to venture outside the home. I relied solely on my husband Joe for everything. For 2 years, I couldn't even walk down the street, getting the mail would send me into a full blown panic attack, so eventually, I started to avoid anything that would make me uncomfortable. There were a lot of people who just didn't understand what was going on with me, I was told to pull up my socks, to just get over it, and that I was just making it up.

 Cognitive behavioral therapy was introduced by my therapist who came to visit me at home, on a weekly basis.  A very important part of recovery is to change the way you think about anxiety and panic attacks. One of the main reasons people become agoraphobic is they fear the fear of having another panic attack. I was taught how to replace my catastrophic thoughts with more realistic thoughts, and to effectively manage my anxiety and panic attacks without being afraid. This didn't come easily, my negative thoughts were so embedded in my brain, that it took a lot of trials before I applied any of it on a regular basis. Every failed attempt brought me further into the darkness that I just stopped trying.  My life was spiraling out of control, and down I went into the depths. 

During this darkness, I found the light with Jesus Christ. I read the scripture, found comfort in knowing that God had a plan for me, I didn't know what that plan was, I just knew that I had to have faith. I read the bible everyday, my faith grew, my way of thinking started to change, and I was ready to take my life back. I knew that God was in control, and that he would never leave me. Later, when I recovered, I got a tattoo that reminds me everyday of His love.

My journey to recovery was about to begin.

  

Agoraphobia and Cognitive Therapy Involves You In Your Recovery

With cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), there will be a great deal of involvement and activity on your part.

You'll be given notes, forms to fill, certain assignments/homework as part of this therapy, all with the goal of getting back to how you used to be before agoraphobia disrupted your life.

You will be challenged to move outside your comfort level and slowly try different experiences as part of helping you progress.

Some people improve quickly, others take longer, but the success rate is very high, so stay positive, because you too can do this 

 .

Michael Craig Miller Michael Craig Miller; Harvard Mental Health Letter. "What is agoraphobia ; Treatment can alleviate this fear of public places." Chicago Tribune. 17 Jul. 2011.

Wright, Jesse H; Wright, Andrew S; Albano, Anne Marie; Basco, Monica R; Et al. "Computer-Assisted Cognitive Therapy for Depression: Maintaining Efficacy While Reducing Therapist Time." American Journal of Psychiatry 6(2005). 

I applied everything I learned to my recovery. It wasn't easy, and it took years of practice. Eventually I was able to walk down the street, then around the block. I remember Joe taking me for a drive, I felt anxious, and had several panic attacks, but I wanted to reach my destination, my goal. When we arrived at my favourite store, I was so lost in my thoughts, that it took everything I had to get out of the car. I ran to the door, touched it, and went right back to the car and we proceeded to go home. I felt so liberated, so strong, and so happy. I was on my way !

Watch for me tommorow on

OWN Canada: Oprah Winfrey Network

Sunday, January 6th at 8 p.m

Trapped within myself

Seven years ago, I made my first visit to my psychiatrist. I walked out with a diagnosis of Depression, anxiety, panic disorder with agoraphobia. Right away I knew the doctor got it wrong, Agoraphobia? are you kidding me? I wasn't stuck in the house, I was depressed, I suffered from anxiety, and yes, I had severe panic attacks, but agoraphobia? No, not me! 

It was a Sunday afternoon, and like most weekends, the kids wanted to go to the flea market to find a video game. It's not that far from our home, maybe fifteen minutes, but I wasn't feeling that great, my anxiety was through the roof, and I had continuous panic attacks, but I persevered, and thought, this will soon pass, and we'll just get on with it. As Joe parked the car, the kids got out and ran over to the building that sold the games, they were so excited because they were looking for a particular game and had waited all week to get it.  They both had a paper route and had just finished collecting, so they had saved their money to buy this particular game. Joe asked if I was coming, but I said that I needed to take a moment to get myself together. My chest was tight, my heart was pounding, I couldn't breath, it felt like I couldn't take a cleansing breath, almost like I was being smothered, my hands were trembling,I felt dizzy, and disoriented. It felt like everything was distorted, like I was looking through a glass, the palms of my hand were sweaty, and I started to really panic. I insisted that Joe get the kids so I could go home, I was scared, overwhelmed by anxiety and fear, I didn't know why this was happening, all I knew was I had to get out of there, I needed to escape.

Joe dropped the kids off at home and took me to the hospital, I was scared, my Dad had his first heart attack at 39, so I'm thinking this is it, I'm having a heart attack. They took me right away, hooked me up to an EKG, and monitored my condition. Joe called my Mom, who quickly came to comfort me. When the doctor came to see me, he said everything was normal, that I had experienced a panic attack. 

I've struggled with panic attacks throughout my adult life, but nothing prepared me for what was to come.

 I continued to have panic attacks every time I went out, even when I went to the grocery store that is literally 5 minutes from my home. One evening, I went to the grocery store, my buggy was full, and I proceeded to the checkout counter. The cashier is putting my groceries through when all of a sudden, it hits me again, I panicked and just left everything. I can't imagine what the cashier must of thought, but I had to get out of there. I came home, empty handed, frustrated, humiliated, scared, and anxious. I literally thought I was loosing my mind. I made one last visit to my psychiatrist, but after that, I became housebound. 

Many people who suffer from Panic disorder also suffer from Agoraphobia. Panic disorder is characterized by an overwhelming sense of anxiety and fear, and because you don't know the reason, you start to avoid situations that cause them. In my case, I became so afraid that I never left my home for 2 years. 

ThinkStock images

   Some people become so afraid that they never leave their own homes or they require the reassurance of having a trusted person with them whenever they venture out.

I can't believe I did that !

This Sunday will be the premier of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood season 2, on OWN, Oprah's Network at 8 p.m., my family was featured on this show, and through much hesitation, refusals to be on the show, discussions with production, and a final yes, I can honestly say "I can't believe I did that!" 

I took a risk because I felt it was important to talk about depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I wanted people with my disability to relate, to give them hope, to say, you are capable too, don't give up.  I've been there, I am where you are, still. But there is a tomorrow, there are people who care, and there is help, you just need to ask. 

  My husband Joe was very hesitant when it came to participating in the show because he didn't want me to do something that I couldn't handle. He felt that they would try to exploit my illness and that somewhere along the line, I would fall apart.

    As a family, we have been through a lot,  our lives literally stood still when I had my breakdown. I remember sitting in the hospital, unable to control my tears, you know when a child cries and they gasp for breath, that was me. The nurse actually have me a Popsicle, apparently you can't  cry and suck on a Popsicle at the same time. When the doctor saw me, I couldn't even talk, all I could do is nod my head yes and no. He suggested that I go to another hospital where a crisis team would be waiting for me. Joe immediately said no, that we would handle this at home. Looking back, I realize that I should have gone, but I trusted that Joe and knew he would take care of me. The doctor gave me some prescriptions, and off I went.  I lost all my self-esteem, self-worth, and hated everything about myself. I didn't believe I was lovable, in fact, I felt worthless. I couldn't work, didn't have an income, and felt like a burden to everyone. For the next two weeks, a nurse from the crisis team called me everyday. First to see if I was suicidal,  to find out how I was feeling, and what was going through my mind. She would tell me that I have a lot to live for,  I'm valued, I'm worth it, and that I'm loved. Every time we talked, I cried, I didn't believe a word she was saying, it was all lies, and I argued with her. She had no idea what she was talking about, she didn't know me, she didn't know how worthless I was. It took me some time to believe in myself again,   years of therapy, seeing psychiatrists  psychologists, social workers, group therapy,and my family doctor.   I'm finally in a place where I know who I am, and guess what, I am worth it. 

Joe is very protective of me, because no one will ever know what I've personally gone through, but I will try to talk about it here for the first time. I tried my best to hide my condition from my children, but after a while, I just couldn't do it. I remember sitting at the kitchen table, we were all eating dinner, and the tears just wouldn't stop. I was like that for weeks until I saw my psychiatrist. The hospital had me on a cocktail of drugs, but I just couldn't see beyond my despair. I wanted to die, I just couldn't do it anymore, but Joe kept reminding me of our love, and that the kids needed me, to hold on, and that everything would be okay.  I wasn't okay, far from it.  I have seen the darkest days, the hole that I couldn't climb out of, and did my best to hide my sorrow, and my fear of losing all control.

Finally!!!! I get to see the Psychiatrist for the first time. As I sat in the waiting room with Joe, my face is drenched with tears, I remember saying to him that I don't belong here, I'm not like these people, can you imagine? As I walked in to see the doctor, with Joe by my side, he asked Joe to leave, I kinda of thought that was strange but hey, he's the doctor. Must be some patient and doctor confidentiality thing. I have my usual large regular coffee in hand, the first thing he says to me is "get rid of that", you are not to have any caffeine" What the heck, first you ask my husband to leave, then you take away my coffee? I'm thinking that this isn't going to go very well.  When he finally said that, if I have to have coffee, it must be de-caff, okay, I can deal with that. To this day, I don't drink anything with caffeine.

                                           jupiter Photo Gallery


This is an article from Livestrong.com

Anxiety is feelings of worry and nervousness, and in intense forms, anxiety can manifest in a group of disorders called anxiety disorders. Caffeine is a stimulant that increases heart rate and can lead to nervousness and agitation, increasing anxiety levels. For people who already suffer from anxiety, caffeine can spur panic attacks, and for those who don't normally feel anxious, caffeine can cause anxiety.

Features

Caffeine is found in many coffees, teas, energy drinks and chocolates, as well as in some medicines. Caffeine is considered a stimulant because it stimulates the body's central nervous system and temporarily increases the metabolism. Caffeine works by suppressing a chemical in the brain called adenosine. Adenosine slows down nerve cells and causes drowsiness. When caffeine is released in the bloodstream, the body does not distinguish between caffeine and adenosine, and therefore, treats caffeine as adenosine, causing a spike in energy and nerve cell interactions.

Caffeine causes an increase in heart rate and can make some people feel like their heart is pounding, even causing panic attacks. A panic attack is an intense feeling of terror and anxiety that feels like you are losing control and having a heart attack. According to Roland Griffiths, PhD, a professor in the departments of psychiatry and neuroscience at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, caffeine can trigger and worsen anxiety and panic disorders. Caffeine can also cause jitters, headaches, nervousness and irregular heartbeat.

Expert Insight

The National Institute of Mental Health recommends that people who suffer from anxiety disorders should avoid caffeine, as it can worsen anxiety. Psychologist Norman B. Schmidt, PhD, studies the effect of caffeine on his patients with anxiety disorders. "If you tend to be a high-strung, anxious person, using a lot of caffeine can be risky," Schmidt says. Whereas some people may feel more focused and energetic with caffeine, those who are prone to anxiety often feel nervous and a sense of impending doom.

 Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/83671-caffeine-anxiety/#ixzz2GxVaheye