If you've been reading my blog, you know that my family and I participated on the Million Dollar Neighbourhood on OWN CANADA. So far two episodes have aired, and already, people I don't even know have recognized me, and want to learn more about my illness.
(watch the Million Dollar Neighbourhood every Sunday at 8PM on OWN CANADA)
Being on the show was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding experiences of my life. I've always wanted to share my story, and being able to reach people across Canada who suffer from Depression, generalized anxiety, panic attacks with agoraphobia, and bipolar makes it all worth while.
Stepping out of my comfort zone is not easy, but Joe was with me every step of the way, without him, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish what I did. As you saw in episode one, I had a major panic attack for the entire country to witness, I just couldn't control my surroundings, having "control" is what allows me to create a safe environment. The good (getting out of debt) sale, was totally out of my element, and I suffered greatly prior to the sale, during the sale, and after. When you have anxiety and suffer from panic attacks, it literally takes you days to recover. You are physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.
What I don't want is sympathy! I have never said or thought "why me?', ever ! What I have said is "why not me" and "What can I do to help others though this." God has a plan for each and every one of us, God knows what He's doing. So I prayed for guidance, strength, and peace. I prayed for the Lord to show me His plan for me, but I had to learn patience first. I had to remember that everything is on His time, not mine.
As I mentioned in another blog, I was agoraphobic for years. I could not leave my home, which crippled our lives. Everything we did, or didn't do, was focused around my illness. Decisions were made according to my day, nothing could ever be planned, and as a result, we lost out on many opportunities.
We have never gone on a family vacation, which is something I long for. Just once, I want to travel with Joe and my boys because the boys are getting older, and soon, will have lives of their own. I want to experience life, lay on the beach, swim in the ocean, listen to the waves, sit under a palm tree, watch my children's smiles, and experience the freedom, without fear. To this day, I still don't know if I'll ever be able to do that, getting on a plane is something so beyond my reach, yet I feel time slipping away. I know that in order to make things happen, you have to go outside of your comfort zone.
Financially, I have put a lot of strain and anxiety upon my family, especially Joe. Shopping for me has always been a way to relieve some of my anxiety, and I've never taken responsibility or ownership until I participated on the Million Dollar Neighbourhood. I shopped til I dropped, or until my credit card was maxed out, which ever come first. It was like an adrenaline rush, I felt free, and for a little while, I felt in control. However, through my spending spree's, I've gotten us into a lot of trouble. First, I put us in $60,000 in credit card debt., payed that off by consolidating my bills, and I personally lost credit for 7 years. Once that was paid off, I was issued another credit card, which I quickly brought up to $12,000, Joe paid that off using our line of credit, and most recently, another $8000. It's a financial nightmare. I didn't do this to hurt my family, but it was the only way I ever felt relief from my pain. I didn't go out often, so when Joe took me shopping, I would buy as much as I could because I never knew if I'd be able to do that again. You see, for 2 years, I couldn't go out at all. So the fear remains that I'll become housebound again.
I'm not a spoiled brat, I give and care for others sometimes more than I care for myself. Yes, I love my purses, but like I've said before, they are like trophies, a memory of being in a good place in my life. But as you saw in episode 1 of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, I was able to let go of most of them in order to meet our goal, and to pay off some bills. I gave up my credit card, and am living cash only. I've had to learn the difference between my wants and my needs. I'm discovering that I don't need a lot, certainly not things, and I know we're both looking at a brighter future. And maybe, just maybe, a coconut in our future.
I never know what I'm going to wake up too, some days are so dark, where I can't get off the couch, or even leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone, do anything, and spend a lot of my time in bed. There are other days, when I feel pretty good, and venture out alone, but still in my safety zone of my home town.
Just yesterday, I met up with a couple of my good friends, Paulene Hinds and M.J. Slauko. Paulene lives around the corner from my home and a participant in the show, and M.J is part of the Million dollar Neighbourhood production crew.
We met at a nearby restaurant, I could have easily driven with Paulene, but I need to have my car as a safety net. I need to know that at any given moment, I can get up and leave.
We had a great lunch, great conversation, and a few laughs, what the ladies don't know, is that I had to leave to use the bathroom so I could take my medication. I was having a panic attack. When I feel the symptoms coming on, sweaty palms, shortness of breath, pounding heart, I get scared, because each one reminds me of where I was.
Afterwards, I picked up my dogs and took them to a nearby park. I try to get out for a walk at least once a day, it's healthy and helps in my recovery.
I enjoy photography, and try to capture moments that make me smile. Today was one of those days. I love looking back at them, they remind me that I made it through that day.
Afterwards, we went down to the local beach,
I got up close and personal, didn't know that swans aren't very friendly as this one, who looks really friendly, hissed and tried to attack me.
When I arrived home, I realized that the dogs, Bella and Emma, were covered in burs, it took me 2 1/2 hours to brush them out, bath them, and clean up the mess.
Regardless of the aftermath, it was a good day. I enjoyed my time with my friends, the walk in the park, and the beauty of the lake, even in the winter.
Baby it's cold outside, but I take advantage of every good day, because I never know what tomorrow will bring.
As I move forward in my life, I know that God has a plan for me.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.“
(Jeremiah 29:11)
