Trapped within myself

Seven years ago, I made my first visit to my psychiatrist. I walked out with a diagnosis of Depression, anxiety, panic disorder with agoraphobia. Right away I knew the doctor got it wrong, Agoraphobia? are you kidding me? I wasn't stuck in the house, I was depressed, I suffered from anxiety, and yes, I had severe panic attacks, but agoraphobia? No, not me! 

It was a Sunday afternoon, and like most weekends, the kids wanted to go to the flea market to find a video game. It's not that far from our home, maybe fifteen minutes, but I wasn't feeling that great, my anxiety was through the roof, and I had continuous panic attacks, but I persevered, and thought, this will soon pass, and we'll just get on with it. As Joe parked the car, the kids got out and ran over to the building that sold the games, they were so excited because they were looking for a particular game and had waited all week to get it.  They both had a paper route and had just finished collecting, so they had saved their money to buy this particular game. Joe asked if I was coming, but I said that I needed to take a moment to get myself together. My chest was tight, my heart was pounding, I couldn't breath, it felt like I couldn't take a cleansing breath, almost like I was being smothered, my hands were trembling,I felt dizzy, and disoriented. It felt like everything was distorted, like I was looking through a glass, the palms of my hand were sweaty, and I started to really panic. I insisted that Joe get the kids so I could go home, I was scared, overwhelmed by anxiety and fear, I didn't know why this was happening, all I knew was I had to get out of there, I needed to escape.

Joe dropped the kids off at home and took me to the hospital, I was scared, my Dad had his first heart attack at 39, so I'm thinking this is it, I'm having a heart attack. They took me right away, hooked me up to an EKG, and monitored my condition. Joe called my Mom, who quickly came to comfort me. When the doctor came to see me, he said everything was normal, that I had experienced a panic attack. 

I've struggled with panic attacks throughout my adult life, but nothing prepared me for what was to come.

 I continued to have panic attacks every time I went out, even when I went to the grocery store that is literally 5 minutes from my home. One evening, I went to the grocery store, my buggy was full, and I proceeded to the checkout counter. The cashier is putting my groceries through when all of a sudden, it hits me again, I panicked and just left everything. I can't imagine what the cashier must of thought, but I had to get out of there. I came home, empty handed, frustrated, humiliated, scared, and anxious. I literally thought I was loosing my mind. I made one last visit to my psychiatrist, but after that, I became housebound. 

Many people who suffer from Panic disorder also suffer from Agoraphobia. Panic disorder is characterized by an overwhelming sense of anxiety and fear, and because you don't know the reason, you start to avoid situations that cause them. In my case, I became so afraid that I never left my home for 2 years. 

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   Some people become so afraid that they never leave their own homes or they require the reassurance of having a trusted person with them whenever they venture out.