Million Dollar Neighbourhood, hope and a future.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that my family and I participated on the Million Dollar Neighbourhood on OWN CANADA. So far two episodes have aired, and already, people I don't even know have recognized me, and want to learn more about my illness.
(watch the Million Dollar Neighbourhood every Sunday at 8PM on OWN CANADA)

Being on the show was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding experiences of my life. I've always wanted to share my story, and being able to reach people across Canada who suffer from Depression, generalized anxiety, panic attacks with agoraphobia, and bipolar makes it all worth while.

 Stepping out of my comfort zone is not easy, but Joe was with me every step of the way, without him, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish what I did. As you saw in episode one, I had a major panic attack for the entire country to witness, I just couldn't control my surroundings, having "control" is what allows me to create a safe environment. The good (getting out of debt) sale, was totally out of my element, and I suffered greatly prior to the sale, during the sale, and after. When you have anxiety and suffer from panic attacks, it literally takes you days to recover. You are physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  

What I don't want is sympathy! I have never said or thought "why me?', ever ! What I have said is "why not me" and "What can I do to help others though this." God has a plan for each and every one of us, God knows what He's doing. So I prayed for guidance, strength, and peace. I prayed for the Lord to show me  His plan for me, but I had to learn patience first.  I had to remember that everything is on His time, not mine. 

As I mentioned in another blog, I was agoraphobic for years. I could not leave my home, which crippled our lives. Everything we did, or didn't do, was focused around my illness. Decisions were made according to my day, nothing could ever be planned, and as a result, we lost out on many opportunities. 

We have never gone on a family vacation, which is something I long for. Just once, I want to travel with Joe and my boys because the boys are getting older, and soon, will have lives of their own. I want to experience life, lay on the beach, swim in the ocean, listen to the waves, sit under a palm tree, watch my children's smiles, and experience the freedom, without fear. To this day, I still don't know if I'll ever be able to do that, getting on a plane is something so beyond my reach, yet I feel time slipping away. I know that in order to make things happen, you have to go outside of your comfort zone.

 Financially, I have put a lot of strain and anxiety upon my family, especially Joe. Shopping for me has always been a way to relieve some of my anxiety, and I've never taken responsibility or ownership until I participated on the Million Dollar Neighbourhood. I shopped til I dropped, or until my credit card was maxed out, which ever come first. It was like an adrenaline rush, I felt free, and for a little while, I felt in control. However, through my spending spree's, I've gotten us into a lot of trouble. First, I put us in $60,000 in credit card debt., payed that off by consolidating my bills, and I personally lost credit for 7 years. Once that was paid off, I was issued another credit card, which I quickly brought up to $12,000, Joe paid that off using our line of credit, and most recently, another $8000. It's a financial nightmare. I didn't do this  to hurt my family, but it was the only way I ever felt relief from my pain. I didn't go out often, so when Joe took me shopping, I would buy as much as I could because I never knew if I'd be able to do that again. You see, for 2 years, I couldn't go out  at all. So the fear remains that I'll become housebound again.

 I'm not a spoiled brat, I give and care for others sometimes more than I care for myself. Yes, I love my purses, but like I've said before, they are like trophies,  a memory of being in a good place in my life. But as you saw in episode 1 of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, I was able to let go of most of them in order to meet our goal, and to pay off some bills. I gave up my credit card, and am living cash only. I've had to learn the difference between my wants and my needs. I'm discovering that I don't need a lot, certainly not things, and I know we're both looking at a brighter future. And maybe, just maybe, a coconut in our future. 

I never know what I'm going to wake up too, some days are so dark, where I can't get off the couch, or even leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone, do anything, and spend a lot of my time in bed. There are other days, when I feel pretty good, and venture out alone, but still in my safety zone of my home town. 

Just yesterday, I met up with a couple of my good friends, Paulene Hinds and  M.J. Slauko.  Paulene lives around the corner from my home and a participant in the show, and M.J is part of the Million dollar Neighbourhood production crew. 

We met at a nearby restaurant, I could have easily driven with Paulene, but I need to have my car as a safety net. I need to know that at any given moment, I can get up and leave. 

We had a great lunch, great conversation, and a few laughs, what the ladies don't know, is that I had to leave to use the bathroom so I could take my medication.  I was having a panic attack. When I feel the symptoms coming on, sweaty palms, shortness of breath, pounding heart, I get scared, because each one reminds me of where I was.

Afterwards, I picked up my dogs and took them to a nearby park. I try to get out for a walk at least once a day, it's healthy and helps in my recovery.

I enjoy photography, and try to capture moments that make me smile. Today was one of those days. I love looking back at them, they remind me that I made it through that day.

Afterwards, we went down to the local beach,

I got up close and personal, didn't know that swans aren't very friendly as this one, who looks really friendly, hissed and tried to attack me.

When I arrived home, I realized that the dogs, Bella and Emma, were covered in burs, it took me 2 1/2 hours to brush them out, bath them, and clean up the mess.

Regardless of the aftermath, it was a good day. I enjoyed my time with my friends, the walk in the park, and the beauty of the lake, even in the winter. 

Baby it's cold outside, but I take advantage of every good day, because I never know what tomorrow will bring.

                As I move forward in my life, I know that God has a plan for me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.“

(Jeremiah 29:11)

 

DROWNING IN DEBT

My family and I were participants in the Million Dollar Neighbourhood season 2

Episode 1 aired last Sunday, January 6, 2013, I just wanted to highlight some of the scenes that my family and I were in, before episode 2 airs tomorrow.

Watch every Sunday at 8PM 

Stewart Miles

"I spend money, a lot of money, you never say no" 

 "I don't know how to say no"

Ten years ago, I was $60,000 in debt by using my credit cards. I consolidated my debt, lost all my credit, and spent seven years paying it back. You would think that I learned my lesson. As soon as my credit was back, I got my first credit card, it didn't take long to bring it back up, so Joe would pay it off by using our line of credit. I would promise not to use my card, but as a shopaholic, I just can't control my shopping habits.

 During the show, Dr. Joti Samra said, "taking away my shopping is like taking away my anti-depressants.", in a way, she was right. Joe said that if he didn't allow me to shop, he was afraid I would fall into another major depression, that shopping was my outlet. But putting my family into another financial disaster, took the better part of me, and during filming, I started to recognize that I was "smothering my family financially."

During the first episode, we were asked to put our credit cards into a security box, and that our money monitor had the combination to that box. I never looked back.

                   Dr. Joti Samra and Preet Banerjee, hosts of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood

In the first episode, you saw my closet, it's filled to the brim,  "I like to buy quality as opposed to quantity" which is not true as I like to buy a lot of everything, but designer labels and handbags are my downfall. It wouldn't faze me to spend hundreds of dollars using my credit card. "It feels like I'm getting it for free" because I wasn't handing over physical cash. I wasn't being responsible  or taking ownership for my spending habits, and as a result, put another $12,000  onto my credit card.

Dr. Joti asked me to go through my handbags and sell most of them during the getting out of debt sale, I was hesitant, as you can imagine, each bag was like a trophy to me. Each representing a time where I was able to go out and reward myself with something I loved. As a family, were determined to sell anything that we didn't need and started going through the house for unnecessary items. My sons even got involved by selling video games they didn't play, items that they out grew, and de-cluttered their rooms. I took this challenge seriously, and started to purge things that we didn't need. Including items in my closet like handbags and designer clothing. Our challenge was to sell over $1000 worth of goods, and I was determined to make that goal happen. We started to fill the van with our items for the good sale.

The van is packed for the sale, we had to make several trips

My sisters helping me out

There were so many people coming through that I had a hard time managing my anxiety, I had a major panic attach during this good sale, shown on t.v with my permission. I had told production right from the start that if I ever experience a panic attack, that it was okay to film it in order to reach people suffering with the same condition. 

Some of the handbags I sold during the sale

Some of the games my kids sold during the sale

Christella Morris was the team lead for marketing, she did an amazing job creating a video, making signs, and advertising locally, we had so many people come through that day, it was crazy! The logistics team, headed by Laura Wichman, made the sale a success. Everything was organized, despite what you see on television, Laura was the right person for the job. They worked endless hours organizing this event and made it a huge success. We managed to sell over  $1200 dollars worth of stuff that we don't miss at all.  My Mom and sisters were there during the sale, one bought a handbag, and a my other sister bought a beautiful mirror from Rhonda Melason, owner of Country Chic-Shabby Chic & All things country, who was also a participant in the show. I was tempted by all the beautiful items, but I had to hold myself back because I was there for one reason, to make money and help our family get out of debt. 

Many people took opportunities by selling items on eBay and Kijiji prior to the sale, like Brian Jung, who sold his pin ball machine for $700 dollars.  To this day, I continue to use these resources to sell unwanted items.

We made our goal this week, and one family, Michelle and Tony Morrison were awarded with $10,000

Now how does this benefit you?

How can you erase debt from your life?

Follow along with the Million Dollar Neighbourhood every Sunday @ 8PM

You can also go through your home, sell unwanted items, things that are collecting dust in your basement, garage, closets. Use the resources that I mentioned above, sell your clothing, shoes, and handbags in consignment stores. Box them up marked "sale items" until the weather permits, and sell your unnecessary items. This will give you a great head start in in paying down that debt. 

Try to pay cash for everything, refrain from using credit cards. Before you know it, you won't have any credit card debt. It feels great, and you become more aware about where your money is going.

Another thing that many of the Million Dollar Participants have started is the 52 week money challenge. What an easy way to save up for next year's Christmas expense. Each week, just add the deposit amount into a bank account, or money jar like I'm doing.

                  Taken from virgin radio, Toronto

Each week is numbered from 1-52, each week deposit the amount indicated, and by next year, you'll have $1,378. dollars to spend on Christmas, or more money to pay off debt.

and next time you make a purchase, ask yourself, "Do I really need this?" 

Remember to watch tomorrow's Episode 2 of Million Dollar Neighbourhood this Sunday @ 8pm on OWNCanada  called Rolling In It 

Million Dollar Neighbourhood - Rolling In It (Trailer)

  http://bcove.me/wcd7sb9m

See you on T.V tomorrow, I really enjoy hearing from you so please leave feedback, I will respond to every comment, question, to the best of my ability.

 

HOLD ON TO HOPE

One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself, "How did I get through all of that"? Just never let go of hope. Just never quit dreaming. And never let love depart from your life.

_Jancarl Campi

One of the things that helps me get  through the day is knowing that there is hope.  Last night, I pulled out my journals, I dusted them off and began to read them.  My breakdown occurred in September of 2006, and life became a battle.

 I couldn't go back to work, I felt so useless, and such a burden to my family.There was so much pain, I almost forgot how dark my days were, the daily struggles I endured, the set backs, the hopes, and dreams, that were so unreachable at that time. Living everyday with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, which led me to become agoraphobic, I was lost, lost in my mind, and couldn't face the fears. The one thing I held onto was hope, that I would get through this, with the love and support of family and friends, my reliance on doctors, psychiatrists, social workers, psychotherapists and my faith in Jesus Christ. They all were part of my recovery process. Even today, after so many years fighting, I'm faced with the new diagnosis of Bipolar, and so, my journey to recovery continues.

Now don't get me wrong, there were people who didn't believe me, said things like "get over it", "it's all in your head, just pull up your socks", "you're faking it" and "stop your whining",  I felt hurt at the time, but eventually I realized that people needed to be educated. I started talking about it openly, to anyone who would listen. I discovered that people started to open up to me, people who were to afraid to talk to family, friends, or even there own doctor, people who suffered silently because they thought they were loosing their minds, and didn't understand what was happening to them. I am so glad the God is using me by bringing a voice to this silent illness. 

                            from ponderabout.com

June, 12 2006, I wrote:

 "My friend came to visit me today, she asked how I was doing, being the actress that I am, I put on a great smile and replied by saying, I'm great, life couldn't be better. Inside I'm hurting and screaming, IT HURTS, I'M TIRED! I'M NOT OKAY, HELP ME! TAKE IT AWAY! Shortly after, my friend, being happy with my reply, did her duty, and left. I went upstairs and started crying.  I said to Joe that I wish I was normal, that I can't take this anymore. I felt defeated, and cried where I thought I would never stop. "

June, 21 2006, I wrote:

"It is becoming increasingly difficult to function, I've lost that lust for life, the fulfillment, peace, and desire to go on. A make belief smile is getting old and I'm tired of putting on the same show, day after day. This is by far, the hardest job I've ever had to endure."

June 27, 2006, I wrote:

"I can't bear the thought of disappointing them again, it's exhausting." 

June 28, 2006, I wrote:

"It's 3 a.m, once again I can't sleep. I lay awake and start praying. Dear Lord Jesus, please release me from this prison, show me a miracle and set me free. My entire family is being held captive, smothered by the darkness that engulfs me. My children need to grow, to be kissed by the sun, but my shadow swallows up the warmth that they desperately need. I do not ask this for myself, but for my children. Embrace them with your warmth, and set me free."

June 29, 2006, I wrote:

"I will ride the wave of my pain that will lead me to still waters."

 I knew I couldn't do this alone, I was in the depths of despair, clinging on with a thread, I was so close to giving up, but hope kept me alive. 

  The only person I feel safe with is Joe.

July 5, 2006, I wrote:

"I kept asking him to turn around, he kept pushing me to go further. Today I lost the one person I could trust."

Joe was right to push me, I recognized that later in life, but at the time, I felt trapped and needed to escape. My fear was larger than life, no one can imagine what it is like unless you've been there.  Later, I would attempt to go out and test my trust in him,

( He didn't know it at the time though), we would drive five minutes and I would ask him to turn around, without question, he complied to my demand. I did this every once in a while just to make sure he understood, and sure enough, my trust in Joe was regained. Joe was and is still my safe person. I still rely on him to take me out, and he understands, never complains, and if it wasn't for Joe, I don't know what I would have done. 

I suffered for a long time with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, I should have seen it coming, I should have been prepared, but I wasn't. I am now agoraphobic. I can not leave my home, all attempts to see my Psychiatrist have failed. It took everything out of me to see my family doctor who is less than five minutes from my home. Any attempt to leave my home would send me into a panic attack, I couldn't even walk down the street. I had a social worker who came to visit me on a weekly basis for a year, without his guidance, any progress would have been delayed.

I will get more into Agoraphobia later, it's a long story.

For two years, I remained house bound, but I never lost my faith. I knew that God had something planned for me, I just didn't know what that plan was yet. I'm telling you parts of my story now in order to give you hope. 

I will share my recovery journal with you later, but for now rest, because I have been there, I am able to accomplish many things that I never dreamed possible. One of those things was being on a television series called the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, that is being aired now by the OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network). I have a story to tell, but it won't happen on one page. I will take you through my journey, one step at a time. Just like you need to take one step at a time for your recovery.

© 2013 Marina DiLisi

The Million Dollar Neighbourhood, episode one

In case you missed the first episode of the million dollar neighbourhood, i've added a link. 

Million Dollar Neighbourhood - "Lighten Up" (Season 2, Episode 1)

Families purge their unnecessary items at a gigantic garage sale and learn what life is like with their credit cards locked up.

 http://ownca.oprah.com/Shows/Million-Dollar-Neighbourhood/Video.aspx?vid=2083733333001

I will go talk about the details, what I was thinking, and about some of the other participants. enjoy!

Million Dollar Perspective: All Things Beautiful

Million Dollar Perspective: All Things Beautiful

All Things Beautiful

I'm having a rather blah day, no energy, feeling kind of blue, and empty. Instead of concentrating on the negative, I've decided that for today, I will look at things that bring me hope and happiness. All things beautiful.   

I was asked once what I would do if I didn't suffer from depression, anxiety, or panic attacks. I can't imagine what it would be like living without fear, but I can envision how amazing life would be. 

I would love waking up each morning feeling calm

walk on the beach, and feel the sand between my toes

have more surprise parties, because lets face it, who doesn't like a good party

Appreciate the little things

No matter what, blowing out candles, capturing a wish, finding a penny, I always wish for the same thing, peace, and freedom from fear. For today, I would like to capture those wishes and save them for a better day.

I will take time to relax and do things just for me

Go for a walk and just breathe

Listen to music and feel the words, sing and dance like no one's watching

Today, I will take one day at a time and enjoy the present

I will not worry about tomorrow, but dream of it instead

The places I will go, like my home town of Amsterdam

I will be selfish and take what I need 

appreciate the rain

Take the road less traveled

and never look back

Today, I need to just take one day at a time

and today, I have to realize that we each have our struggles, and that I'm never alone

and just for today, I will dream of a better tomorrow 

accomplish what I can today, even if it's walking the dogs

Because today I have chosen to take a risk, and see things beautiful

and I hope you know, that no matter how you feel, or think about yourself

because you are beautiful