Million Dollar Neighbourhood, Episode 4

Me, Joe, and Paul Brandt

This past Sunday, we had a huge surprise, Paul Brandt performed some of his greatest hits, just for the Million Dollar Neighbourhood families. The only word I have is "incredible" We were all apprehensive about going to Knox Christian Farm in fear, we thought we were going to get yet another challenge, cleaning out stalls, picking up after the horses, something disgusting like that, so this was truly an amazing surprise!!!! After wards, we had our pictures taken with Paul Brandt, and each given a photo, signed by Mr. Brandt himself, along with his latest CD. Then, much to everyone's surprise, we were treated with an unexpected Bar-b-q, allowing us a time to relax and enjoy each others company. What a treat that was.

Episode 5 is fast approaching, but already I have many people in the community, and surrounding area's recognize me. The first question they ask is do you really spend $500 on groceries, I may as well put a sign on my back, "NO I DO NOT SPEND $500 ON GROCERIES", as seen in episode 3. But mostly, they congratulate me on being nominated, and enjoy watching me every week. It's a learning curve for sure!! But I have to admit, I love it!

Being on reality television is quite the experience, the crew were especially nice, thoughtful, and  cared about our well being. I've become friends with some of them, and often meet up with my favourite girl M.J, for lunch. We reminisce, but mostly talk about our future. Both of us agree, that show biz is a bug, once you experience it, you want to keep going. I am currently seeking other roles, and we hope to continue this journey together.

The make-up artist, from "In your face" which you can find on face book, is an incredible lady. We have also formed a friendship and talk regularly. She is hosting a makeup seminar on tricks of the makeup artist trade, beauty secrets, how to apply your makeup with confidence and giving tutorials. I've always wanted to learn how to apply makeup, especially smoky eyes, and how to apply makeup to look younger. 

So getting back to the show, this week were were giving cards of doom, either as a mentor, loss of spouse, or disability. As I'm already on disability, I was given the card "loss of spouse", so for that week, I was single, lol

I remember joking around with James (the director) who said he would marry me, then during   filming, he discovered how much I spend, and left me, all in fun, and a great laugh, then Mike (audio) said not to worry, he would marry me. This became our joke throughout the show. 

However, on a more Serious note, nothing ever prepares you for a loss, as Julie struggles with the loss of her husband. I couldn't imagine what I would do without Joe.I'm not even thinking about our finances, that would be the least of my worries. Losing Joe, would be like losing a part of myself. We are soul mates, and more in love today than before, and celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this October. OMG, 25 years, I just can't wrap my head around that! 

Joe has supported, loved, and cared for me, especially through my illness. Some people just don't understand mental illness, it is not contagious, I am not crazy, it is a "REAL CONDITION" The only difference from other illnesses like diabetes, cancer, or heart disease, is that you can't see it, not by ex-rays, MRI's, CT scans, or blood work. It is for many, like myself, a chemical imbalance in the brain. People with depression suffer in silence, we can have a smile on our face, but inside, we're feeling the weight of the world within our being. 

When people ask how you are, my response is usually "I'm fine", but a lot of the times, I'm fighting a battle and just to weak to tell the truth. So next time you meet up with someone, and ask how they are, really listen, and encourage them to speak. How are you? No really, how are you? may get someone to open up, but be prepared to hear the truth. 

Fighting for my Life

You are not alone

Seven years ago, I had a breakdown, I felt so alone, helpless, and worthless. I could not feel any relief from my anxiety and fear. I was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. I think the hardest thing about living with agoraphobia is the silence, despair, and not being able to see a future without fear. Every single minute was a struggle for me, leaving the house was my worst nightmare. I couldn't understand how I could go from being an independent, strong willed, and successful woman, to someone I didn't recognize anymore. I felt lost, and even when surrounded by family and friends, I felt so alone.  I was drowning in my thoughts and fears. I was housebound for two years. Everyone around me was living life, reaching new goals, memories, and a future. My life was at a standstill. 

                                 

                                         Agoraphobia kept me prisoner for two years.

All I could do was watch the world go by without me in it. I had no purpose, my life felt empty, and I was out of control. This was, by far, the most trying time in my life. Although my husband Joe, my kids, and my family were understanding, and always there for me, I just felt like I was a burden to everyone.  I was giving up hope of ever living again.  Life was very dark, and I just couldn't get past the fact that I was wasting my life away. I just thought that my case was hopeless, and I would never be able to live my life, I just couldn't see past the darkness. Did I ever consider suicide, you bet ! Ending it all would have been easy, it was my faith that kept me alive. So don't ever give up, there is so much to live for !

               There were many dark days, days where I couldn't even get out of bed.

I had this wonderful social worker who came to my home every Wednesday, for an entire year. He taught me to believe in myself, and that there was hope. How I managed to get through the door is beyond me, but I did ! and this is where my recovery began.

Exposure therapy, even the word "exposure" would drive me over the edge, but I knew that in order to reclaim some sort of a "normal existence" I had to face my fear head on.  I would walk outside for 2 minutes, panic, and rush home, then 5, and eventually, around the block. I always carried my cell phone, and wore my ipod with me, the phone in case I couldn't get any further and Joe could pick me up, and the ipod to distract me. Eventually, he made me go to the coffee shop, I would reach the door, but couldn't make it inside. Then finally, I would make it inside, but couldn't order anything. Eventually, I was able to order a coffee, but to go. This process took over a year. I'm just giving you the short version. Later, on another blog, I will get into exposure therapy, and cognitive behavior therapy in more detail.

Through this journey, I had great faith in Jesus Christ. I would read the scriptures daily, and they gave me hope. Even when I couldn't get out of bed, I was strong in my faith, I never gave up because I knew that I was a child of God, and as a loving father, I knew without a doubt, that He would never give up on me. I remember the first time I drove along with my husband Joe, I was beyond petrified, holding onto the door for dear life, hyperventilating, shaking, and crying so hard. My anxiety level was through the roof, and my panic attacks were lasting longer and longer, I didn't know how much more I could take, I wanted to turn back so bad, and I knew that all I had to say was go back, I can't do this, or I've had enough, but I kept saying a little further, just until we make it to that tree, or the next light. The whole time I felt like there were loving, protective arms around me, and I could hear the Lord saying "I am with you always".  I was still afraid, like a child learning to ride a bike, you know your father will be behind you, routing you on, and catching you when you fall, but still, I was afraid, afraid to let go, and let God. But, when I did, I was overcome with warmth and peace, something I hadn't felt in years. Which is why I finally had "I am with you always" tattooed onto my inner arm. It is a constant reminder that I will never walk this road alone. I know that every second, of every day, that Christ is with me. Although I am still in recovery, I don't feel like I'm all alone, I know my father has my back.

Through all the fear, anxiety, and turmoil, I never lost hope. I knew I had to work hard, harder than I've ever had to work in my life.  I was literally fighting for my life.

Agoraphobia held me hostage for two long years, when I was finally able to go out, it was only with my safe person, my husband Joe, it took me another year before I had the courage to drive with my boys in the car. I was always afraid that I wouldn't be able to make the journey without having to return home, and I didn't want to expose them to that again, or to disappoint them. Even today, as I'm writing this, I still struggle to go out on my own. It will take me days to drive out of town, and even then, it's only within a 5 km radius, making a dentist appointment, forget it. They have to call me for a cleaning, they are aware of my condition, so if they have a cancellation, they will call me, if I feel up to it, I go, if not, they will try again another day. Getting my hair done is another challenge, just knowing that it takes a couple of hours to get my hair coloured and styled takes me over the edge. Mostly, if I'm having a good day, I will call my stylist the day of and see if she has any openings. That is my life, and I know that one day, that will get better too. 

I have a wonderful team of doctors, psychotherapists, social workers, pastors, friends, family, and husband. They are all part of my journey, and each one of them holds a special place in my heart. 

 Me and Joe have a relationship that is stronger than ever before, it's been a long and hard road, but through it all, Joe never gave up on me. 

My relationship with Christ is stronger than ever before, and I encourage you to find peace by reading his word. You will establish a relationship with him, and know, without doubt, that God has you in the palm of his right hand, and will never let you go. 

Remember, "Don't be afraid, because I'm with you; don't be anxious, because I am your God. I keep on strengthening you; I'm truly helping you. I'm surely upholding you with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

 

I know you can do this, it may seem impossible to imagine a life free from fear, but there is hope, never let go of that !

Million Dollar Questions

Seriously?

If you watched the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, episode 3 last night, like others, I'm sure you have a Million questions. This morning I went to the bank, got a few groceries, then off to my psychotherapist's appointment. Everyone had the same questions.........So let me set the record straight.

Do you really spend that much on groceries?

First off, I DON'T SPEND $500 A WEEK ON GROCERIES!!!!  are you kidding me? We are an average family, we don't eat lobster and steak every night. As my good friend Melissa once told me, buy what's on sale, and what's in season. That is what I do, I stock up on items that are on sale, when asked on the show "How much have you spent on groceries this week?" My reply was "we only spent $12.80 cents" really, how would you think I could do this otherwise. We used what was in the freezer, pantry, and only had to buy milk and break that week. Most people who know me, know that I dislike cooking, okay I hate it, but I have to cook for my family, and once a week we might get take out, or go to a restaurant. There are four people in my family, you crunch the numbers.

Secondly, with the $500 dollars a week, part of that goes towards gasoline, we have 2 vehicles, Joe works everyday, and has to get back and forth to work, I use the car to go shopping, drive my son to work, and go to doctors appointments. We spend about $100 or more on gas, weekly.

Third, prescription drugs, I'm on 5 different medications for Bipolar, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Most of it's covered, but some of it isn't covered by our plan. Therefore, I have to pay for it out of pocket. 

Fourth, me and Joe are both smokers, so at approximately $8 a pack, we were spending $112 a week on smokes. Joe has since quit smoking but still, figure it out.

Fifth, we eat out once a week, with 3 grown men and myself, that averages about $80 each time, luckily we're not big drinkers, so lets do the math.

and lastly, I would go to our local coffee shop and get myself a coffee, sometimes a muffin, so lets just factor in a coffee a day at $1.80 x 7 days a week, that's $12.60 a week. Sometimes I would go twice a day, it got me out of the house, and lets face it, who doesn't like Tim Hortons. So now we're looking at $25.20 a week.

So..........let's do the math

coffee:                $  25.20
gas                        100.00
cigarettes             112.00
going out                80.00
                          _________
                       
                             $182.20  

So that leaves me $182,20 left for groceries, where I have to buy the weekly groceries, and household products like cleaning supplies. I don't think that is unreasonable, and it's probably what an average family spends.  


What about the rest of your spending habits?

I'm being portrayed as the woman who doesn't have a clue about money and spends frivolously, on things like purses, clothing, and unnecessary things and using my depression as an excuse.

I admit, purses are my downfall, but I don't buy a new purse every week, the reason I spend so much on my handbags is because I like quality, and design. I love Michael Kors, and Coach handbags, but I only buy one or two a year. I hold on to most of them, which is why you see so many in my closet on the show,  and often give some to my sisters. I do not buy handbags because I am depressed. I buy them because I like them, not because I'm depressed.

But you go on shopping binges, how do you explain that?

Yes, that is true. I have a very poor self image, and low self esteem, I shop til I drop, which is why I put $12,000 onto my credit card. This is where I will use my illness as an excuse. I'm recovering from Agoraphobia, and I'm bipolar. My moods fluctuates so quickly that I don't know from one day to the next what I'll wake up too.

                                                  This is a 2 week mood tracker 

This is my personal mood tracker

I use a web site called Med Help to track my moods, you can go to https://www.medhelp.org to use their site, it's free, and you can track your moods, exercise, ask questions on the forum, and look up helpful information. I highly recommend it.

So, back to my shopping habits, I'm home almost everyday, maybe once a week Joe takes me out since I can't drive outside of my home town. I shop just like people who binge eat, it somehow relieves some of my anxiety and pain that I feel everyday, and I feel really good while doing it. You see, it's not about the stuff, because I certainly don't need anything, but the feelings associated with shopping. You get a high from it, just like any other kind of addiction, whether it's drinking, drugs, overeating, or gambling. I have a shopping addiction, diagnosed, and something I struggle with even today. I buy impulsively, it's almost like I black out, because I don't even realize what I'm doing, and have no reaction when my bill is sky high. I have items, as seen on T.V., still with tags on them. My sisters often make fun of me (in a nice way)  if they ever come shopping with us, I get into the store, and its like I block everything and everyone out, I'm focused only on shopping, it;s like I have tunnel vision. 

What do you feel like when you shop? Don't you feel guilty? 

When I shop, I feel empowered, like nothing in this world can touch me, it's such a high. I don't even feel anxious, I feel happy, and in total control.  I don't think about the consequences, and I certainly don't feel guilty at the time. Joe has asked me, what goes through your mind when you get to the cash register? Honestly, nothing, I don't feel anything, I know that sounds like an excuse, and unrealistic, but it's the truth. I feel nothing!

Well, you must buy what you need at least, right?

Wrong. I have clothes with tags still hanging in my closet, when I get home from shopping, I just throw them in my closet.  I get to them eventually, but it's not about what's inside the bag as much as it's about how I feel while shopping for them. I don't feel depressed or anxious, it's a release for me, and Joe has even said it on t.v, "if I take away her shopping, I'm afraid she'll fall into another depression, she's happy when she shops, how can I take that away from her?"

So, are you happy?

I often don't feel good enough, so wearing designer clothing, handbags, and fabulous accessories, I can show the world that I'm in control and in doing so, give the illusion that I'm happy.  But in fact, it's quite the opposite. What is happy anyway?

You must be in so much debt, how do you pay for it all?

Yes, I'm in debt. About 10 years ago, I put almost $60,000 onto my credit cards, I consolidated my debt., and worked 7 years, without credit, to pay it all back. Over the seven years, I was credit card free, as they took them all away. I went for credit councelling, and thought I had it all under control.

But, once I paid my debt off,  I got my hands on a new credit card. Surely, I could control myself this time. Not true, it's become a cycle, I max out my credit card, Joe pays it off, I promise to never use it again, and the cycle continues. The difference between then and now is I worked then, but now I'm on disability with a limited income. 

In November of 2012, I got a new credit card, well, a month before Christmas, as you can imagine, I racked that card up to $12,000. I know, you're shaking your head, and thinking I'm crazy. Christmas came and went, the only thing that didn't go away was my debt. This time however, I did feel the guilt, and was overcome with emotion. Once again, Joe has paid off my credit card with our line of credit. I cut up my card, called the company, and am currently credit card free. 

So what's the difference between then and now?

It's only been 3 weeks since I've been credit card free, as Joe pointed out to me yesterday. I'm trying, I really am, if fact, using cash is very difficult for me. Using a credit card is easy, it  didn't feel like I was using real money, so I didn't feel it.. Putting out cash is quite different, I actually feel a loss handing it over to the cashier, and tend to only buy what I need. 

What would you say to someone who has a shopping addiction?

• Recognize that your spending habits are out of control
• When you feel empowered is a false belief, you've actually lost all power.
• Get rid of those credit cards and go cash only
• use a shopping list
• buy only what you need
• replace your shopping with something else like exercising, volunteering, or finding an activity to replace your addiction. (I've just started with my love of photography)
• Spend time with family and friends instead of going to the mall
• speak to a professional, your doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or psychotherapist
• be open and honest with yourself and your loved ones
• learn to love yourself

You have to take care of yourself, no one can do it for you

So back to reality, reality t.v that is.

Episode 3 of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood just aired last night. What did you think?

Everywhere I go, people ask the same question, is this for real?

Let's just say that every single person who was involved with the production of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, took each task seriously. We were in it for the long haul, and dedicated our whole summer to make it a reality. Each task/challenge was difficult and time consuming, you watch one episode that lasts one hour, with commercials. But in reality, we worked our butts off all week to make it happen.

The food fight, what can I say, it was the hottest day in the summer, it was a long weekend, and we didn't bring in as many people as we had hoped. That doesn't mean we failed as a group though. Everyone involved worked, laughed, played, and cried during that week, to make it happen, that we didn't reach the $100,000 mark didn't mean we failed. What would normally take weeks or even months, to pull an event like this off, we did it in a week. The venue, the menu, preparation, decor, advertising, marketing, celebrity chefs, filming, and giving interviews was all in play that week. 

The Field brothers: Spencer and Jackson, two of the nicest, funniest people you will ever meet, and they give a darn good hug too, went dumpster diving, looking for food, and even asked local restaurants for there leftovers. Yuk, gross, and what were they thinking? Maggots, ew, gross again, and next time you come over, take those shoes off. Not kidding. 

Like the rest of us, we were given the challenge of saving on our grocery bills, no eating out, and no take out coffee.  Not an easy task, yet the Field brothers went beyond the call of duty, to save a dime, and worked diligently throughout the week in order for the entire group to be successful. They are such giving, naturally funny, and handsome characters you'll ever meet. Don't let a few maggots, and dumpster diving, make you think think any different. Not only do these young men own a home together, but both work full time, Jackson even has his own business called "Junk it Jack", you can find it on face book. These fine young men have ambition, and drive, that's for sure. I also have to admit, I laughed so hard during that scene, so thank you guys for making me laugh.

https://www.facebook.com/JunkItJacks?fref=ts

Let Jackson turn this

into this

Rick and Kelly Bellamy: If you watched the show last night, Preet Banerjee gave Kelly and Rick a (simulated) ticket to Hawaii, to show them that there spending way to much money eating out. Simply put, if they stopped eating out, and buying prepared foods, they would have enough money in a year to fly to Hawaii. Getting back to basics is something we all need to concentrate on, prepared foods, eating out, we all do that, life gets busy. But, Rick has learned that using Visalus, body by Vi is not only affordable, but a product that helps you loose weight, and it's good for you. I use it myself, and I've lost 20 pounds using body by vi, send Rick a message through the link below, he will not only show you how to loose weight with this amazing product,  he'll also show you how to earn a BMW for yourself. 

Here you see Kelly, Rick, Amber, Greg (the vegetable phobic) and Mary lou

https://www.facebook.com/Rickbellamybodybyvi

Rick lost 34 pounds in 8 weeks using Visalus, and knows it works. He is eager and willing to help anyone who is interested in trying. Rick earned his BMW through Visalus, if you want to ask him how, go to his link, and he'll share the information with you. 

This is Rick holding up his "Told u so" after he got his BMW

contact Rick Bellamy for more information

I hope I cleared a few things up today, and answered some of your questions. I hope you take advantage of the links I've provided to, they are all great resources and it will give you the chance to meet some of the reality stars from the Million Dollar Neighbourhood. 

 

 

Million Dollar Food Fight, Flop!!!

This weeks episode included special celebrity chefs Mark Brant, and Rod Bowers, both chefs were amazing and fun to work with. During this episode, we learned so much about how we eat, where, and how to save money by the choices we make. For example, going for coffee everyday, like I do, costs $1.80 a day, so that's $12.60 a week, that's $655.20 a year, not including a tip, and if you go for more than one coffee a day, add a muffin or donuts, you're spending money that could be used to pay off debt., or a much needed vacation.

During this episode you also saw me and Joe shopping with Preet Banerjee, to tell you the truth, this really was an eye opener, and I really was shocked!!!!! Our local Foodland was amazing to allow us to come into their store to film this clip. That week we only spent $12.10, as I used everything in our freezer and pantry, so we saved a ton of money that week. We also didn't eat out that week, instead, Joe made a fantastic meal with things we had in our freezer. See picture below, it was incredible, also included candles, it was quite romantic. Since the show finished filming in mid October, I shop very differently now, usually only things that are on sale. I save tons of money doing this, and actually end up with more.  Once in a while, I'll treat myself to a coffee, but since the show, I make it at home, another huge savings!!!!!

Here's MDN's 'Essential Grocery List' from tonight's episode. Stick to these nutritional basics, take this list with you when your go grocery shopping, and you'll stay on budget!

Some behind the scenes photo's while filming at my house, and during the Food Fight.

                                         
 Our Chef, Mark Brant

                                            The Crew taking a break,
                                                it was so hot that day.

                           
Me, Joe, Preet and Mark.

                                Me and Mike, the
                               mike guy.

                             
Joe as the chicken man as part of our promotions for the Food Fight, he was so hot in that suit, and I don't mean that in a good way. Joe was just soaked after we run up and down the streets trying to promote the Food fight.

                             
The lovely dinner Joe made me that week instead of going out.

                             


 This is me and some of the girls promoting the food fight.

                             




This is Jim and James, awesome people to work with.

                           



 Our great friend Jackson Field, yes the dumpster man.

During this week, Paulene Hinds and myself stood infront of Foodland and collected food for our local Food Bank, "Fill the Van" event, that we carried on throughout the months.

Together, we raised some money for the food bank along with a full van full of food........We did this again in October, and hope to make this an annual event.

More pictures from the food fight from my personal collection

We were setting up the decorations for the Food Fight

The famous snow cones

Getting ready to sell tickets

Getting the display ready

As you know, we were nominated this week, first let me say it was a total shock, each week we worked our buns off, but never expected to be nominated. It ended up being a community effort, and we were just doing what we intended to do, make each week a success. Now just because we didn't make the $100,000 that week, didn't mean we weren't  winners. We had so much fun that day, and pulled something off that would take weeks, or even months to pull off. This took place at a local golf course in Bowmanville, it was a long weekend in July, the warmest day of the summer, but we did it. So are we disappointed that we didn't win, of course we were, we wouldn't be honest if I said otherwise.  We worked long hours each and everyday, as we had been for the first three weeks, but what got me was the dedication, hard work, and community spirit. We never lost that, and to this day, we still embrace our experience with joy. 

Copyright 2013, Marina DiLisi