Bringing on the New year, 2014

New year's 2014, So many thoughts and experiences, but what about my new year's resolution? I've got a few....................

I've never been one to make a new year's resolution, but this year, something's changed.

1. Taking time to care for myself, meaning rest, exercise, and proper nutrition.
2. Organizing my home, not one of my greatest talents considering that I shop, a lot. So I'm starting in my office which has become the drop zone for everything without a home. This should be an interesting task, but I imagine that I can get rid of things that are no longer needed, wanted, or used, and donate them to someone who could use them.
3. Writing my blog, I've seemed to have let that slip for a while, but writing is great therapy, sharing my thoughts and experiences may also inspire others to understand what it's like to live a life struggling with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.
4. Go to church regularly, this is one area where I've totally messed up, as a Christian, I know that surrounding myself with other believers through fellowship will enhance my life in so many ways.
5. Life experiences, wow, I could write a whole book on this one area alone. Recovering from Agoraphobia isn't easy, but I want to do things with my family and create memories, lasting memories, that we will all remember and cherish.
6. Complete projects, okay, I admit it, I love pinterest, I have all these crafts saved up and haven't even dedicated any time for even one. So this year, I will start, finish, and publish my crafts.
7. Take a photography course, one of my passions is photography, which could go into task #6, for my resolutions, but I want to spend more time on this one for sure.
8. Yoga, oh how I miss you, I love yoga, but have also let that slip from my activities. So this year, I want to dedicate myself to at least 3 days a week practising.
9. Spending more time with family and friends.
10. and finally, yes this is a big one, less shopping!!!

What is your New years resolution?

                                        

Ice storm 2013

The Ice storm that stopped everything

 

We weren't prepared for this storm, we lost power for 3 days, and couldn't believe how helpless we felt. Losing power meant that all the stores were closed too, so getting groceries, hot coffee, anything to keep us warm was like searching for a needle in the haystack. We drove 25 km just trying to find a coffee shop, but I have to say that driving in the car was warmer than staying in the dark.

It has been a while

Spring has finally sprung!

I look at the garden each morning, I'm always amazed with the perennials, how they just know that it's time to grow. That soon, they will blossom into beautiful flowers that transforms the garden path. With some effort on my part, pruning, pulling weeds, and turning over the soil. Watching my garden inspired me to finally make a change too. I've discovered that I too can blossom and transform myself into a beautiful being just by changing a few things.

For example, I started weight watchers online, my goal is too loose 30 pounds. That's a lot of weight, I know, but I'm starting slow, just like the greenery in the garden, it will take time for the weight to come off before I can blossom too.

In the short two weeks that I've been on the program, I've learned a lot about my eating habits. I  never ate breakfast before, so learning to do that has been a challenge, I'm just not hungry in the morning. I've started eating breakfast, and find that I have more energy, which is a good thing.  Learning what to eat is another challenge, eating healthy isn't something that comes naturally to me, I'm used to pulling out the bag of chips, having a chocolate bar, or granola bar because it's a quick fix. I felt satisfied while eating them, but after, I just felt drained. Now I'm making healthy choices like eating more fruit, actually lots of fruit. According to the weight watchers program, I'm allowed 26 points a day, fruits are free, I can eat as much fruit as I want and it doesn't count towards my daily intake. Ha, genius!!!! So even when I'm out shopping, I can grab an apple instead of a chocolate bar. It's all about choices, and being smart about that is just the beginning. 

Water, honestly, I'm not a huge fan, however, I've been drinking it because it's part of the program, and guess what? It fills you up!

There is so much I've learned but I'll continue with that later. 

I work out!

Yup, you read correctly.

I started with Zumba, but discovered that my feet and ankles just killed me afterwards. Sure it's a great workout, but I was feeling the pain for days. I finally went to the Doctor and discovered that I have a bone spur. Right now I'm in therapy 3 times a week. Ouch!

I discovered weight training, I love weights, and feel really good after my session. 

Progress thus far: 6 pounds

Stay tuned for more.

 I took a before picture that I will show once I've lost the weight, no sense embarrassing myself right now, is there?

Million Dollar Perspective, Beck Depression Inventory

Lately, when I wake up in the morning, I have no desire to do anything. I don't want to see anyone, and I've lost interest in all the things I used to enjoy. I am so tired/fatigued, that I often go back to bed. 

I went to see my psychotherapist today, he gave me a form to fill out called the Beck depression inventory. It is a series of 21 questions, which measures the intensity, severity, and depth of depression. Each question is designed to assess a specific symptom that is common among people suffering from depression. 
 Read more: http://www.minddisorders.com/A-Br/Beck-Depression-Inventory.html#ixzz2Mb6guoJ7

Once you are finished answering the questions, the doctor evaluates it with a score.

  0-9:   minimal depression
10-18: mild depression
19-29: moderate depression
30-63: severe depression

I scored 40, meaning that I'm in a severe depression.

I haven't felt like myself lately, I'm so tired,I sit on the couch knowing what I have to do, but just too tired to get up, I usually go back to bed. I feel restless, anxious most of the day, I've lost interest in things that I used to enjoy, like shopping, going out with friends, crafts, even going to church. I did manage to go out to a service last night, but during the service I just felt so fatigued. I just feel like I've hit rock bottom again, and it's draining.

So now what? Well, I have to wait for my antidepressants to kick in for one, but most important, I have to practice cognitive behaviour therapy (CTB), this helps you become aware of negative thinking, and change the way you respond to things in a more effective way.

 .
Another thing the doctor wants me to do is set a routine. Set my alarm clock, so I get up each morning at the same time. Have breakfast, something that I never do, and to pace myself. Take breaks, but keep focused on my day to day living. Not everything has to be done today, but to keep in mind that I should do things just for me. Exercise, even 20 minutes a day will not only help me emotionally, but physically too, I will gain a better self esteem. Use my light therapy everyday, for at least an hour, which will give me time to read, write my blog, or converse with my friends on face book.

Most important, don't be afraid to ask for help! I've been here before, and I know I can get through this again, but I am fortunate to have an amazing support team. If you're reading this and are feeling depressed, go to the doctors, seek help, people understand. If you're feeling suicidal, call 911 or go to your nearest hospital. There is help, and you won't feel like this forever, tomorrow is another day, never give up!

Where should we go?

I love flying, in fact, when I was in my twenties, I applied to become an airline stewardess. As you all know, Joe and I met when we were sixteen, the last thing he wanted was me trotting around the world without him. So I opted for a grounding position in retail.

When we married back in October of '88, we chose to go to Venezuela, very hot, exotic, and everything we expected from South America. The flight was long though, and the beach wasn't that great. But the hotel was fantastic!!!! Thank God we went for 2 weeks though, because I spent the first week in bed, I was so sick. In hindsight, I suffered even then with anxiety and agoraphobia, but wasn't diagnosed yet.

I didn't know then, but that would be the last vacation we took.

The only problem I have today, is where to go? It's been almost 25 years since my last vacation, and something called Agoraphobia has gotten in the way. I don't even know if I can handle getting onto a plane, let alone travel to an unknown destination. But, I'm willing to try, so I've narrowed it down, I need to go somewhere within a 2 hour proximity, close to the airport, but I want it to be hot, with a beach, and fun for the whole family. My dream is to fly somewhere with my children before they are off to college or the work force. Now, the problem, as there are a few, are listed below.

1) I'm agoraphobic, suffer from Depression, with anxiety and panic attacks. Can I handle this? as my illness kind of dictates my life.

2) My son's are in their early 20's, one's in college, and the other is going to college in September. So I want to do this soon. Any suggestions? I'm afraid that if I leave it for much longer, they won't have any interest going on a holiday with their parents.

3) Financially, can we make this a reality? and finally

4) Where to go? 

I would appreciate any feedback, experience, and references to different area's that are outside of Canada. We have our passports, so give me your thoughts.

A FAITH FILLED LIFE

In November, I was diagnosed with bipolar, or I should say misdiagnosed. These have been some of the most trying times since my breakdown seven years ago, but through it all, I have established an amazing network of people, who are there to support and love me. I'm telling this story in order to bring awareness, for those suffering from depression to know that there is help, and to not loose hope.

Life is hard when you feel defeated, worthless, hopeless, and distraught, to the point where you just want to give up, but let me tell you that tomorrow is another day, a day full of hope and new beginnings. There are so many things in this life that are worth fighting for, but the one thing you need to remember is that giving up is not an option. You keep fighting, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how low you go, how dark your life seems, get up, and fight!

Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

We are constantly wrestling with our emotions, especially when we're depressed, it seems that whenever I feel distant from Christ, try to make my own way in this world, that Satan takes a hold of me, brings me down, and makes me weary and full of despair. I am so fortunate to have friends that are encouraging, and remind me to stay on a righteous path. Last week for example, as I was leaving my doctor's office in turmoil, my friend Tatiana is my Pastor's wife, she said, we're here for you always, not just on Sunday's, go to the church and speak to the Pastor. I followed her advice and met with Pastor Noel, and Pastor Jaques, who counselled  and prayed with me. Life gets busy, and sometimes, even those with the best intentions, get distracted. I have gained my strengths through fellowship, and learning to listen to the voice of God. Since seeing my pastor's, I have read the scripture daily.

                                                      www.VerseInspire.me

 

Million Dollar Neighbourhood episode 6 recap

Episode 6 of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood aired last night on the OWN network

This week we were split again, the women against the men, Amber-Lynne Hawryszko and Greg Simpson were the leads this week, and both did a tremendous job!!!!!

Can you imagine living in the same house  and being on different teams? Did they work together for the greater good? 


Amber really is a fashion diva, she is just gorgeous! and really, it wouldn't matter what she put on, she would make it work. That is why Amber was the perfect choice for this weeks lead. This lady knows her clothes!!!!! The store Turquoise, located in the heart of Bowmanville was also featured in last nights episode, which happens to be her favourite store. Greg, well, he is a natural leader, full of great idea's, and loves adventure.  Yes ladies, he's taken, and will be married to the gorgeous Amber-Lynne Hawryszko in 2014. 

Every week, Amber recaps each episode, if you would like to watch, please go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=VakGpSvl6Kk
you won't be disappointed. This is one talented lady!!!!

Let me tell you, it was hard not waving my hand around, trying to bid for some of the amazing experiences that were up for auction. Some of the things included were a helicopter ride donated by the police department, golf experiences, riding in a race car, hotel stays, and some incredible adventures. The men worked hard this week, and there goal? to beat the ladies with this challenge.

The woman's team, oh my goodness, the clothes just piled in. Amanda Beebe's home was undeniably chaotic. She had clothing dropped off at her home, bags, and bags, of   clothing filled her driveway, and home. She, along with many people, spent days, sorting clothing based on gender and size. Through the chaos, she continued to smile, and opened her home to make this weeks challenge a success.

This is Amanda Beebe and Christella Morris with country star  Paul Brandt





Christella has a blog called crawl the line, which you can find on facebook, she also does a vblog recap of every episode, http://www.crawltheline.com/2013/02/mdn-episode-6-recap.html


So, by now, you've probably watched this weeks episode, and know that we lost. When I say lost, I mean that we didn't reach the $100,000, but we won in so many other ways. The fashion show was a success, the woman, men, and children were fabulous, everything went without a hitch. The auction items were incredible!!!!! and we made it all possible within a week. 

Janet Lange designed and brought the runway to life, with her many talents as an artist. 

  https://www.facebook.com/JanetLangeArtDesign?fref=ts

Discretionary spending one of this weeks challenges too, giving up habits like smoking, drinking, and basically buying only what you need.  Smoking, let me say is one of the hardest habits to break. I'm proud to say that my husband Joe has quit smoking and is currently using an electronic cigarette.  I am still smoking, but so are most of the members of the show, I can honestly say that Joe worked hard to kick the habit, and I"m very proud of him.


The chalkateers made there debut this week, Brian Jung and Kelly Maika Bellamy, brought a lot of fun and unexpected messages of encouragement and love.This was introduced as a tactic to quit smoking, and get their minds on other things.

 

This week, we were introduced to the newest member of our Million Dollar Neighbourhood family, with the arrival of Rayna.  

Every week, we're given a challenge, and every week, we grow stronger in spirit and as friendships blossom, we are focused on building a foundation that will last a life time.

Watch next weeks episode, when Brad Fox from Phoenix Handyman General Contracting transforms a home in our community.  

          for an estimate for any small or major renovation, call Brad (905) 259-9586

This has been one of the hardest weeks I've ever endured since my breakdown seven years ago. I was diagnosed with bipolar back in November, but have suffered most of my life with some kind of mental illness, including depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks and agoraphobia. 

Back to the point, my family doctor became a little concerned when I couldn't sleep, literally, couldn't sleep!!!! However, I was also in the process of filming for the Milliion Dollar Neighbourhood, a television reality series for the Oprah Winfrey Network, under a lot of stress, totally out of my element, and exhausted. My psychotherapist strongly recommended that I quit filming as he was quite concerned for my well being.  Quitting however, was not an option for me, If I had left the show, I would have felt like a failure, just something else I couldn't finish. I was determined to give it my all, regardless of the consequences. 

I have always been open about my illness, and felt that sharing my story would inspire viewers to understand what someone with a "mental illness" goes through everyday. 

I've always trusted that the Lord would use me to help others with depression, and their friends and family to understand the struggles we go through everyday, so this was my chance to finally give a voice to an illness that is so silent and misunderstood. . Through laughter and tears, I was ready to accomplish my dream. 

What I didn't know then, was that my struggles would get worse. 

My family doctor sent me to the prompt care clinic to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.  I didn't think anything about it really, I thought they would sort out my medication and get me back on track. Oh boy, was I wrong about that!  I first saw a social worker who asked me a bunch of questions, which, given what I had just gone through over the last four months, seem relevant at the time. What I didn't anticipate was a new diagnosis of bipolar 2. When I finally saw the psychiatrist back in November. I was too slowly discontinue my Fluvoxamine, and start with a new series of drugs called Lamotragine and Seroquel, along with my Clonazapam and Ativan. I wasn't really told how to stop the fluvoxamine, so I just stopped taking it. 

Discontinuation withdrawal Syndrome: I slowly stopped Fluvoxamine, but it didn't take long for the symptoms of withdrawal to invade my body. The flu-like symptoms, the aches, pains, electric shock sensations throughout my body, sleep disturbances,  sweats, shakes, agitation, irritable mood, vision problems, a sense of unbalance, and a total breakdown, brought me right back to the beginning.  I made another appointment to see the doctor, who advised me to increase the new medication and slowly tapper off the old ones. 

I was a mess! I kept thinking, what am I going to do, how am I going to get through this, am I strong enough the second time around? Who do I turn to? I"m loosing control! and I feel so alone!

My anxiety level is through the roof, I dread the mornings as my fear has taken a hold of me. What will the day bring? My emotions are cycling right now, so many thoughts, so much to deal with, I'm in despair. I find no relief, I just can't take it anymore! I mean, come on, I'm anxious, my head is spinning with so many thoughts, like they're bouncing off my brain, just one, let me just catch one, but to no avail., I'm up, I'm down, really down. I hide my tears, I stay still. No one knows, I can't share this, not again.

I call my therapist, he knows me, but he doesn't recognize me, "this is not you" he says.  I'm lost, I'm hurt, I'm scared. "Make an appointment to see your psychiatrist" he says, I can't, they've discharged me, they won't help me. After I saw the social worker, she said my family doctor would handle the rest. I told her that I wasn't stable, I told her that I was scared, she didn't help me, does anyone really care?  "I don't know what to do" he says, "stop the Lamotragine" is what he recommends. "But make sure you see your family doctor in the morning, you need to be stabilized, you can't go on like this!" 

The next day, I visit with my family doctor, she is concerned with my well being, her words of encouragement are helpful. "You will always have us, we're not going anywhere, we've been here before, we'll get you through this again." She draws up a plan for me to stop the Lamotragine safely. She puts me back on the Flovoxamine, agreeing that I'm in crisis. We discuss the best possible route for my therapy, and agree that I will see the same psychiatrist that I saw seven years ago, when I had my first breakdown. I'm back to where I started, but I'm trying to keep it all together, I can't loose control, I can't go back to where I was. She is encouraging, and does her best to console me, but I loosing it. I can feel it, I'm lost. I make a followup appointment, but as I'm about to leave, the secretary, who happens to be my Pastor's wife, hugs me and says," go to the church, the Pastor is there, go talk to him."  

I sit in the parking lot, trying to keep it all together, as soon as the Pastor see's me, I fall apart, and I break down. I knew I had come home, I knew I was safe, I knew that Jesus led me to this place. You see, for the last four months of filming, I left the church, believing that I could do this on my own, through this crisis, I thought I could control it, I was strong enough, I knew enough, experienced enough, what I didn't know was that I had to let go, and let God take over.

The pastor read me Psalm 84, 

As they pass through the Valley of Baca, which means, as they pass through the valley of tears.

Both Pastors came, counselled me, read me scripture, prayed with me, and I felt home, I felt God, I felt peace.

I didn't let God work through me, I thought I could do this all alone. If you're reading this, let go, and let God. He is our Father, we are His children. He is not going to let your life fall to shambles, in fact, He says "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

He will also...............

cause everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 28:8


My  journey is far from over, I have a long road ahead of me, there's going to be some bumps, and up hill climbs, but I know that I must be disciplined and listen to the word of God. To have enough faith to let go, and let God take control. I need to analyze my life,  learn to listen to His plan, not mine. To give my life over completely, and let Jesus be my guide. He will continue to use me for His good, in His time, for His glory.

Be Strong and Courageous!

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

In November, my diagnosis changed from depression to bipolar 2, with generalized anxiety, panic attacks with agoraphobia, at first I was confused and scared, but I've learned to accept the diagnosis and am trying to regulate my medication. Right now, life is a roller coaster, my moods swing up and down so quickly that I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, took the dogs out for a walk, grocery shopped, joined some support groups on facebook, and did a bit of house cleaning. However, through the day, I've gone from elated, to depressed, to helplessness, and then to happy again. I know I'm not alone, I have so many friends and family who love and support me through my journey, and I'm particularly grateful that my Lord Jesus Christ who is fighting this battle for me. Even in my darkest hour, I know that He is with me, so I never have to be afraid. The problem is that I am afraid, even knowing that God has my back. Does that make me weak? Perhaps. I think what I need to do is give this to Him completely and not try to work on this by myself.

I've been on new medication since November, and have slowly reached the recommended dosage, however, the doctor took me off my medication for depression, and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't know if I'm coming or going most of the day. I'm on 4 different medications, and anxiously waiting for Thursday to see my General Practitioner. I went to the Mental Health prompt care clinic, saw a psychiatrist  who diagnosed me with bipolar, saw him 3 times, then sent to the hospital to see a social worker. We spent an hour discussing my illness, and hoping to get a full time psychiatrist but was told that my family doctor would take over my care. Really? I just got diagnosed, you prescribe some pills, and that's it? Wow!!! I suppose I need to allow God to work some miracles in my life, and direct my path.

I hate roller coasters, seriously, they terrify me. My idea of a good time means staying grounded. What does grounded mean when you're bipolar? I'm not sure, no one has really described what being grounded means. Will I always go up and down, with that sinking feeling in your gut?  As you rise to the top, ready to take that dive, does everyone's heart sink to there gut? I'm confused!

I met with the social worker for one hour, asked a bunch of questions, and given a list of books to read about bipolar. I've purchased the books, and have been reading them whenever I have the chance. 

The one I'm currently reading is Bipolar Disorder, A guide for the newly diagnosed. By Janelle M. Caponigro, MA, Erica H.Lee, MA, Sheri L.Johnson, PhD, Ann M.Kring, PhD

This is what I know, Bipolar disorder is an illness related to the chemistry of the brain. The neurotransmitters, which are chemicals that carry information throughout the brain aren't working properly. Two of the neurotransmitters called dopamine and serotonin, are believed to be the cause of mood changes.

                                                                                    

                                                                                 

         Dopamine is related to the reward system and plays a role in wanting something, like achieving a goal. Serotonin is related to mood regulation and helps you from having too many highs and lows.

 Medications help to increase the function of the neurotransmitters, in which case, helps to regulate your moods.

My problem at the moment is that I'm taking several different medications (all prescribed by my doctor), and my moods are all over the place. I'm more alert than before, I found that being on an anti-depressant made me feel like my brain was always in a fog, but that's just me. But, and this is the big question, I'm on different medications for bipolar, I'm thinking clearly, but my moods are literally on a roller coaster. I'm high and I'm low, throughout the day. 

I don't have a psychiatrist, I'm on a waiting list for a support group, seeing another social worker in March, and only have my family doctor and psychotherapist to rely on. Is that enough? Should I be worried? Should I just trust the system, with it's cut backs, and lack of doctors, and just hope for the best? Put my life in there hands, or should I advocate for myself, and seek the help that I need?

I've decided to take control of my life, you have to seek help, find answers, and feel comfortable with your care. No one should ever feel helpless, there are resources to get you through this, but you have to reach out and ask for help. That is exactly what I did today. I reached out to my support system, (it's important to communicate your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust), I called my psychotherapist,seeing him tomorrow for some answers and advise, and meeting with my family doctor to express my concerns. My team of care specialists are amazing, my psychotherapist always makes room for me, even at the last minute, and my family doctor has gotten me through the darkest days, but can she handle this new diagnosis? 

  I will trust in the Lord and ask Him to guide me through the darkness, to show me the light, and bring forth healing, as only He can do. I will continue to meditate on His word, "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:6

If I believe this verse to be true, then I will put my life in His hands, and know that I am strong and courageous!

It's not a pretty ride

This past November ,many changes appeared into my life regarding my illness. For seven years I've had the diagnosis of depression, generalized anxiety, panic attacks /agoraphobia. During filming of the Million Dollar Neighbourhood, I had a difficult time, and would often visit my Doctor to increase my medication. I started the show at 100mg of my meds, and had it increased to 300mg, for one, and the other, instead of taking them twice a day, I was up to six a day. My other medications didn't change, but I could see I was spiraling out of control. I was having difficulties sleeping, and asked for sleeping pills, this is when she decided I needed to go see a psychiatrist. 

November, 2012, I went to the prompt care clinic to see a new Psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2.  I had an idea that my diagnosis was going to change, but bipolar? There had to be some mistake? I couldn't wrap my mind around it, who am I, I felt different, I lived for so many years with the same diagnosis, why did they change it now, and how is this going to affect my life. I was confused, asked a lot of questions, and still question the diagnosis, but, I have been keeping track of my moods, and let me tell you, they're not pretty.

Bipolar 2  is less sever than bipolar 1, but let me tell you, it's like a roller coaster ride. I don't know from one day to the next what I"m waking up too,  or for that matter, what my mood will be like hour to hour. I am irritable, depressed, sad, lonely, lethargic, anxious, problems concentrating, decrease in my appetite, and hopelessness.  And then I'm active, happy, with increased energy, (which gets me into trouble with spending spree's), my home gets a total clean, but then again, I can't sleep. My speech is fast, and my brain feels like my thoughts are bouncing off each other. 

I had to withdrawal from my anti-depressants, not an easy task. September I started slowly, from 300 mg, and by December, I was down to 100 mg., I thought well that was easy, so I started to decrease the dose very quickly after that, putting me into a total discontinuation withdrawal.  I had the chills, sweats, shakes, vision problems, tunnel vision, agitation, nausea, and my favourite, electric shocks going through my body. I went to my doctor's again, and she wrote out a plan for me, I went through withdrawal because I didn't decrease my medication properly. So my advice to you, go see you doctor before going off any medication, don't think you can do this alone, it's not a pretty ride. 

So here I am, anxiously waiting for my doctors appointment next week. I'm on my new medication, and up to the required dosage, but, my moods? Even I don't recognize myself!!! I say things to people that I would normally keep in my head, I snap easily, am irritable, moody, and tense. I worry constantly about things that don't require the effort, I don't want to eat, I don't enjoy anything that I used to enjoy.  I can't concentrate, and loose my patience very easily. Let's just say, I'm not enjoyable to be around right now. I'm depressed, and feel like I'm right where I started. I feel aggravated, because this is not where I should be, nor where I want to be. I recognize all the symptoms, and just want to crawl out of my skin.  I have detected very odd and erratic behaviors that don't compliment me at all. If I think back to my younger days, my PMS days, and I was moody then, believe me, this caused a lot of strife between Joe and I, but eventually got myself together, and was pleasant to be around. Now I feel like it's PMS all over again, times 10, and it's not a pretty ride.

I know I just have to hold on for another five days, I see my doctor on the seventh, I just have to hold on, and ride this roller coaster, hopefully, when I see her, I can finally get off this ride and never get back on.

I'm hoping that when they regulate my medication, I won't ride the highs and extreme lows that quickly. 

Million Dollar Neighbourhood, Episode 4

Me, Joe, and Paul Brandt

This past Sunday, we had a huge surprise, Paul Brandt performed some of his greatest hits, just for the Million Dollar Neighbourhood families. The only word I have is "incredible" We were all apprehensive about going to Knox Christian Farm in fear, we thought we were going to get yet another challenge, cleaning out stalls, picking up after the horses, something disgusting like that, so this was truly an amazing surprise!!!! After wards, we had our pictures taken with Paul Brandt, and each given a photo, signed by Mr. Brandt himself, along with his latest CD. Then, much to everyone's surprise, we were treated with an unexpected Bar-b-q, allowing us a time to relax and enjoy each others company. What a treat that was.

Episode 5 is fast approaching, but already I have many people in the community, and surrounding area's recognize me. The first question they ask is do you really spend $500 on groceries, I may as well put a sign on my back, "NO I DO NOT SPEND $500 ON GROCERIES", as seen in episode 3. But mostly, they congratulate me on being nominated, and enjoy watching me every week. It's a learning curve for sure!! But I have to admit, I love it!

Being on reality television is quite the experience, the crew were especially nice, thoughtful, and  cared about our well being. I've become friends with some of them, and often meet up with my favourite girl M.J, for lunch. We reminisce, but mostly talk about our future. Both of us agree, that show biz is a bug, once you experience it, you want to keep going. I am currently seeking other roles, and we hope to continue this journey together.

The make-up artist, from "In your face" which you can find on face book, is an incredible lady. We have also formed a friendship and talk regularly. She is hosting a makeup seminar on tricks of the makeup artist trade, beauty secrets, how to apply your makeup with confidence and giving tutorials. I've always wanted to learn how to apply makeup, especially smoky eyes, and how to apply makeup to look younger. 

So getting back to the show, this week were were giving cards of doom, either as a mentor, loss of spouse, or disability. As I'm already on disability, I was given the card "loss of spouse", so for that week, I was single, lol

I remember joking around with James (the director) who said he would marry me, then during   filming, he discovered how much I spend, and left me, all in fun, and a great laugh, then Mike (audio) said not to worry, he would marry me. This became our joke throughout the show. 

However, on a more Serious note, nothing ever prepares you for a loss, as Julie struggles with the loss of her husband. I couldn't imagine what I would do without Joe.I'm not even thinking about our finances, that would be the least of my worries. Losing Joe, would be like losing a part of myself. We are soul mates, and more in love today than before, and celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this October. OMG, 25 years, I just can't wrap my head around that! 

Joe has supported, loved, and cared for me, especially through my illness. Some people just don't understand mental illness, it is not contagious, I am not crazy, it is a "REAL CONDITION" The only difference from other illnesses like diabetes, cancer, or heart disease, is that you can't see it, not by ex-rays, MRI's, CT scans, or blood work. It is for many, like myself, a chemical imbalance in the brain. People with depression suffer in silence, we can have a smile on our face, but inside, we're feeling the weight of the world within our being. 

When people ask how you are, my response is usually "I'm fine", but a lot of the times, I'm fighting a battle and just to weak to tell the truth. So next time you meet up with someone, and ask how they are, really listen, and encourage them to speak. How are you? No really, how are you? may get someone to open up, but be prepared to hear the truth. 

Fighting for my Life

You are not alone

Seven years ago, I had a breakdown, I felt so alone, helpless, and worthless. I could not feel any relief from my anxiety and fear. I was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. I think the hardest thing about living with agoraphobia is the silence, despair, and not being able to see a future without fear. Every single minute was a struggle for me, leaving the house was my worst nightmare. I couldn't understand how I could go from being an independent, strong willed, and successful woman, to someone I didn't recognize anymore. I felt lost, and even when surrounded by family and friends, I felt so alone.  I was drowning in my thoughts and fears. I was housebound for two years. Everyone around me was living life, reaching new goals, memories, and a future. My life was at a standstill. 

                                 

                                         Agoraphobia kept me prisoner for two years.

All I could do was watch the world go by without me in it. I had no purpose, my life felt empty, and I was out of control. This was, by far, the most trying time in my life. Although my husband Joe, my kids, and my family were understanding, and always there for me, I just felt like I was a burden to everyone.  I was giving up hope of ever living again.  Life was very dark, and I just couldn't get past the fact that I was wasting my life away. I just thought that my case was hopeless, and I would never be able to live my life, I just couldn't see past the darkness. Did I ever consider suicide, you bet ! Ending it all would have been easy, it was my faith that kept me alive. So don't ever give up, there is so much to live for !

               There were many dark days, days where I couldn't even get out of bed.

I had this wonderful social worker who came to my home every Wednesday, for an entire year. He taught me to believe in myself, and that there was hope. How I managed to get through the door is beyond me, but I did ! and this is where my recovery began.

Exposure therapy, even the word "exposure" would drive me over the edge, but I knew that in order to reclaim some sort of a "normal existence" I had to face my fear head on.  I would walk outside for 2 minutes, panic, and rush home, then 5, and eventually, around the block. I always carried my cell phone, and wore my ipod with me, the phone in case I couldn't get any further and Joe could pick me up, and the ipod to distract me. Eventually, he made me go to the coffee shop, I would reach the door, but couldn't make it inside. Then finally, I would make it inside, but couldn't order anything. Eventually, I was able to order a coffee, but to go. This process took over a year. I'm just giving you the short version. Later, on another blog, I will get into exposure therapy, and cognitive behavior therapy in more detail.

Through this journey, I had great faith in Jesus Christ. I would read the scriptures daily, and they gave me hope. Even when I couldn't get out of bed, I was strong in my faith, I never gave up because I knew that I was a child of God, and as a loving father, I knew without a doubt, that He would never give up on me. I remember the first time I drove along with my husband Joe, I was beyond petrified, holding onto the door for dear life, hyperventilating, shaking, and crying so hard. My anxiety level was through the roof, and my panic attacks were lasting longer and longer, I didn't know how much more I could take, I wanted to turn back so bad, and I knew that all I had to say was go back, I can't do this, or I've had enough, but I kept saying a little further, just until we make it to that tree, or the next light. The whole time I felt like there were loving, protective arms around me, and I could hear the Lord saying "I am with you always".  I was still afraid, like a child learning to ride a bike, you know your father will be behind you, routing you on, and catching you when you fall, but still, I was afraid, afraid to let go, and let God. But, when I did, I was overcome with warmth and peace, something I hadn't felt in years. Which is why I finally had "I am with you always" tattooed onto my inner arm. It is a constant reminder that I will never walk this road alone. I know that every second, of every day, that Christ is with me. Although I am still in recovery, I don't feel like I'm all alone, I know my father has my back.

Through all the fear, anxiety, and turmoil, I never lost hope. I knew I had to work hard, harder than I've ever had to work in my life.  I was literally fighting for my life.

Agoraphobia held me hostage for two long years, when I was finally able to go out, it was only with my safe person, my husband Joe, it took me another year before I had the courage to drive with my boys in the car. I was always afraid that I wouldn't be able to make the journey without having to return home, and I didn't want to expose them to that again, or to disappoint them. Even today, as I'm writing this, I still struggle to go out on my own. It will take me days to drive out of town, and even then, it's only within a 5 km radius, making a dentist appointment, forget it. They have to call me for a cleaning, they are aware of my condition, so if they have a cancellation, they will call me, if I feel up to it, I go, if not, they will try again another day. Getting my hair done is another challenge, just knowing that it takes a couple of hours to get my hair coloured and styled takes me over the edge. Mostly, if I'm having a good day, I will call my stylist the day of and see if she has any openings. That is my life, and I know that one day, that will get better too. 

I have a wonderful team of doctors, psychotherapists, social workers, pastors, friends, family, and husband. They are all part of my journey, and each one of them holds a special place in my heart. 

 Me and Joe have a relationship that is stronger than ever before, it's been a long and hard road, but through it all, Joe never gave up on me. 

My relationship with Christ is stronger than ever before, and I encourage you to find peace by reading his word. You will establish a relationship with him, and know, without doubt, that God has you in the palm of his right hand, and will never let you go. 

Remember, "Don't be afraid, because I'm with you; don't be anxious, because I am your God. I keep on strengthening you; I'm truly helping you. I'm surely upholding you with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

 

I know you can do this, it may seem impossible to imagine a life free from fear, but there is hope, never let go of that !